If The Man You Love Was Abused: A Couple's Guide to Healing Paperback – January 19, 2007

At the point i ordered this book, i was desparate to find understanding in my relationship. My husband was sexually molested repeatedly as a child. This book was absolutely astounding to me. It helped me to understand why he was lashing out at me, why he was angry with his surroundings. He has begun to deal with the abuse, and the dissociative personality disorder that is reference in the book...he has shown signs of this. You may not even know that your partner is doing this behavior though,until you better understand what the book says. As his partner, i was not sure what to do....should i leave him, should i stay in this craziness...and when you are a partner---it feels crazy and your husband begins to work through all these feelings. The book continues to show me that i am not alone, and that my marriage fits the text book, as far as marriages with a person that has been abused. it focuses on all abuses, but highlights sexual abuse victims. If you are feeling alone, and abandoned, and not sure if you have a marriage or not, then you need this book. I cannot tell you how much it has helped me....God---thanks! I have highlighted and marked pages and underlined...my book is a mess with all my notes...but it has become my solace. When i feel confused with the things that my husband is feeling or saying, then i run to the book and reread things that coincide with that days emotions. i didn't read it straight through...i skipped all over the book, but i have read it all. i keep rereading it. We have been married for many years and have several children. He just says he is not happy, doesn't want to be married any more, exhibits anger toward me, seems to not be able to see my hurting, complains that i controlled him all these years, (which is totally explained in the book)...i know that he needs to confront his past, but i know i need to change too. i want to go to counseling, but he has refused, but now he thinks he might do it....he goes back and forth on this topic, and i know he is just so deeply confused. It discussed the need for medication...but my husband has resisted it totally, and i pray to GOD that one day i can help him. i really don't know where my life will take me, but without this book, i could not have moved through the stages of being a partner of someone who has been abused. At first i was clinging to him, begging him, but his book helped me to see that i must stop clinging to him...because it forces him to see that running away is the only choice he has. it gave me communciation tools to use when i talk to him. It told me how to set boundaries on his anger towards me...it gave me instructions about how to find support in others, since he cannot support me during this time in his healing. May God bless you if you are reading this, because He is the only way you will make it through this trial. When i read this book, i crawl into God's lap, and let him hold me through this pain. May you let God do the same as you read this book.Blessings and peace.

Written by women, speaks to the hearts and souls of women who truly love a man who can not love them back in a way that makes sense right now. MUST READ if you are the partner of a man who was abused. You think you are the only one with these complicated issues?? You will see that you are not. You will see that not all is lost and you will learn how to love your man without losing yourself. Your pain and loneliness will be mitigated from understanding how his trauma is affecting you and your relationship. After 27 years of marriage, ten previous years with no sex life between us, the loneliness finally forced my hand to finally tell him I was ready to leave him. Then the facts of his sexual molestation in his youth came to light. He was text book classic as described in this book. I ordered and read at least a half dozen books before this one. Many helpful and scholarly but this one speaks to the heart of the partner. So sorry we wasted so much time, but this is what molested men do. They hide it and it comes out in so many unhealthy ways that can seem like cold and heartless and irresponsible rejection to the ones who loves him. My husband read this book too and he says the light came on for him in understanding his own reactions to his molestation. It helped him very much to see that he is not the only one who has reacted in a very predictable way to this kind of childhood trauma. Finally his secret is out, although had to be dragged from him, but now he is becoming the person he wants to be after being encouraged by the wisdom in this book to seek professional treatment for his lifelong torturous secret and all the acting out and damage to relationships that it has caused. This book is my constant companion. I feel so grateful to the authors and grateful that I found it. Highly recommend for women who have men who have been abused, even if they say it is no big deal! It IS!

This book really helped my husband to understand what I am going through now that I have begun my work on healing from CSA. It said a lot of what I am still unable to say. It also explained to him about the possible motivation behind some of the senseless, thoughtless, and destructive things I have done in our 33 years together. I've been reading a lot of the books written for partners of CSA survivors. This is the best.

Of all the books I have bought on this subject, and there have been several, I thought this one was overall the most helpful. It helped me understand why my husband acts the way he does, and helped me get a glimpse into what he is feeling. Going through this with someone you love is very painful and difficult, as they say hurtful things and do things to express rage that is not really directed at their partner, but they have to get it out. This book helped me understand that.

Maybe this would be good for someone who was completely new to understanding psychology and mental health, but if you have any familiarity with those topics, you can skip this one. Most of the information is very obvious - things you don't need a book to figure out. I also found it really irritating how the author kept referring to your partner as "your man." Like, "If your man does this... " or "your man may feel like that." I felt like that kind of language was objectifying.

The book arrived a week ago & I couldn't stop reading until I finished it: considering the subject's complexity, this is an authoritative & comprehensive work written in a very easy & clear language that will boost your knowledge and skills to deal with the recovery of your loved one, as well as yourself in the process.A MUST: 'this supportive, sensitively written book is the place to turn' whenever you need. I HIGHLY recommend.

I also learned a lot about myself reading this book!! I wasn't expecting that! Lol! It is a great learning tool for both of us!! Helped me to understand my man better and has made our relationship even better! Great easy read and very educational!!

I have a specialist interest in this subject, both personally and professionally. This is a very valuable book for men who have had unwanted sexual experiences in childhood and really is an invaluable resource for partners. Between 1 in 5 and 1 in 7 men have experienced this and hopefully reading through the potential (and likely) impact and ways towards recovery will at least make the person (and their partner) feel much less isolated. A good book.