Why You Do the Things You Do

This book does a great job of maintaining the clinician’s information on attachment styles while also relating it to our relationship with God and others. Easy read.

In Why You Do the Things You Do Drs. Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy outline what they see as the secret to healthy relationships. Beginning with the premise that humans have been created for relationship, they give an overview of four distinct relationship styles and consider how they play out in the context of important types of relationships.The first style is the type that is desired--the secure relationship style. Individuals who relate this way are both capable and confident; they have a great sense of self-esteem, respect the feelings of others, expect to be respected, and are trusting. This does not mean they will not encounter conflicts; rather, it ensures that the inevitable conflict is handled properly, leading to relationship growth. Secure relationship styles can be fostered through emotion coaching, teaching self-awareness, and cultivating developmental focus. Children are best taught the secure relationship style by seeing it lived out in the lives of their parents.The avoidant style is discussed next. Those who relate this way are not trusting of others in a relationship and hinge their self-worth on personal success. God created man for intimacy, but avoidant people fear getting close to another person. In response to soul wounds of the past, they have built up walls to avoid hurt by avoiding close relationships. They have difficulty showing sensitivity to those they are close to, don't like talking about their past, and are often turned off by physical touch. Generally, they revolve their life around the belief that they are the only person they can rely on to meet their needs and deny the necessity of relationships with others.The ambivalent style is a bit more trusting than the avoidant, but is still characterized by low self-esteem and the belief that others cannot be unconditionally trusted. This style can be cultivated through inconsistent parenting, such as when parents withhold affection or overprotect. These relaters seek out a strong protector to care for them but instead of this being a secure relationship they believe it to be contingent on pleasing the other person. Ambivalent relaters are terrified of showing their emotions for fear that their protector figures will run away.The final relationship style is disorganized. These types of people hold a negative view of themselves and others, and often fluctuate inconsistently between the first three styles. Disorganization of this kind usually results from some sort of childhood abuse and tends to become cyclical, with the individuals raising their own families abusively. Because of how they grew up, they see abuse as familiar and tend to dissociate themselves from their pain.Clinton and Sibcy then turn to an evaluation of these relationship styles as they play out in the three major relationships in an individual's life--relationship with God, spouse, and children. They explicitly reiterate what was implied in the first half of the book, positing God as a safe haven even when there is no other. One's relationship with God should be primary, and a secure relationship with God will help foster secure relationships with other people even amidst tragedy. This relationship will not come naturally and must be longed for and worked at, but it represents the foundation for all other relationships and must therefore be secure in order to provide support for the others.They key to working towards a secure relationship will come through evaluating one's past and understanding the need for healing. Then, by reframing the story into its proper perspective, healing can begin. When one realizes one's worth as a child of God, it should provide the necessary sense of self-worth to allow the repair of other relationships. To do this requires empathizing with others and seeing the world from their perspective. The secret to healthy relationships ultimately lies in the Biblical advice to love one's neighbor as oneself. Perhaps the seminal work on relationships, Clinton and Sibcy's work is a must read for those trying to understand their relationships with others.

In Why You Do the Things You Do, the authors examine human relationships in a way that perfectly balances their clinical education and experience as professional counselors with a Christian worldview. Although actual Biblical references and principals are minimal, their approach is infused with the belief that God is at the center of all we do and are.The first half of the book examines four "relationship styles" -- one secure and three insecure. The authors look at what causes people to develop a particular style (or a combination of styles), and give examples from their experiences that show what these styles actually look like in real people.The second half of the book provides practical tips and advice for how those with insecure styles can build a closer relationship with God, a better marriage, become better parents, and truly break free and heal from the hurts of the past, thus breaking out of the bonds of an insecure relationship style into a secure one.The only shortcoming I found in the book -- and why I am giving it four stars rather than five -- is that, like most books dealing with psychology and human relationships, their discussion is based on the assumption that everyone, even those with insecure styles, have spouses, children and close friends. They don't address at all the problem of people who have a lack of one or all of these types of relationships in their lives. This seems strange to me given that their book focuses on insecure relationship styles and that they show over and over again how these styles can make it difficult to form basic human relationships. Why, then, do they assume that their readers will have these relationships? They say that you need to "plug in" to your relationships (again assuming that the reader has relationships to plug into), and mention those who are helping the reader along their path to healing (again assuming that the reader has someone to help them). They completely fail to give advice about how to go about forming these necessary relationships for those who are lacking them.In spite of this shortcoming, this book is full of wonderful information. If you are suffering in one of the three insecure relationship styles, this book should help you realize you are not alone (the world is full of others like you) and give you the courage to break free of your negative behaviors and start on your way to healing and healthy relationships. If you are already a secure-relationship individual, this book should help you to understand those among your family, friends and co-workers who are not so fortunate, why they act the way the do, and hopefully help them to heal.

I was seeking guidance and this book has truly made me understand a few things

The book looks at relationships - primarily within the family, though touching on friendships as well - within a framework of childhood experience and Christian resources and support to overcome historical predisposition and paradigms. An interesting book and not quite what I expected, but it made me reflect on my own relationships and the framework of analysis.

Very much appreciate the common themes in this book. Would recommend it for anyone who is struggling with understanding their own value system when it comes to relationships either as married single or with children or friendships. The simple read nothing too heavy or technical terminology speaking.

Loved the way this book helped me identify my relationship attachment style and how that strongly impacts my behaviour and interaction with the world around me. Also appreciated the relatable, real-life examples from people's stories and the practical step-by-step advice given to help one break certain patterns of behaviour in a healthy and honest way.Would recommend this book to anyone and everyone - not only does it help you better understand why you behave the way you do, but also empowers you to understand and speak into the behavioural patterns of your loved ones and those around you.

I haven't seen any similiar book of this kind before. The authors know what they're talking about and give many example to demonstrate the principles.