Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience

This book was originally published in 1979. Although it has been updated several times, including as recently as 2009, it still seems dated. In the chapter "Varieties of Reunion Experience," we are introduced to "ALICE and FAY--Mother a Suicide." One paragraph begins, "Fay would probably never have thought of searching if she hadn't taken a part-time job as a companion for the children of a divorced man in her community." The next chapter, "Father--The Mini-Search" is oddly short and addresses the different kinds of birth fathers, including "The Macho Father," "The Father Who Cares," and "The Ambivalent Father." Next comes a chapter on "Siblings," and the reader is warned about genetic sexual attraction and incest. "Can we say that, having been cast out of the natural flow of generativity, Adoptees as outsiders feel less bound by the taboos that inhibit others?" "Or is it that the romanticism Adoptees feel toward the blood tie is eroticized when they meet the sibling of the opposite sex or a birth parent?" The next chapter focuses on "The Unsuspecting Spouse" and begins: "Sometimes I feel sorry for the men and women who unwittingly marry Adoptees. How can they know that locked within this winsome partner is the waif who can never completely trust, and perhaps not even love?" I don't even know what to say about a later chapter entitled: "Birth Mothers--Are They Baby Machines?"The book contains some useful information, but it's conveyed through a 1970s lens. I was adopted in 1970 and recently found my birth parents without even searching (thanks Ancestry.com). I bought this book and others to help me prepare for what I suspected would be a very difficult conversation when I shared the news with my adoptive parents, who had always discouraged me from searching. Perhaps the reason this book, with it's dated examples and language, rankled me so much is because it represented the outdated ideals and values that I was preparing to argue against.

I got the feeling that because the author had issues with adoption, the writing was biased toward the fact that if you are adopted, you MUST have issues. I do believe that adoption adds issues to your life and your personality, but it doesn't mean that it is the same for everybody. I think this is a good book for adults who were adopted a long time ago. I also bought "Being Adopted, The Lifelong search" by David M. Brodzinsky, and found it to be less biased, and more in tune with the issues we are facing today, and more positive in general to the adoptive parent/adoptee relationship. If you are considering being or are an adoptive parent, I recommend this book over Lost & Found.

Although this book is not perfect, it does give everyone's perspective and that is invaluable. There is no room for individual selfishness in the adoption triad which includes the adoptive mother, adoptive father and birth mother. Even if the loss is acknowledged, there will still be a rocky road, but if the adopted person's loss or birth mother's loss is denied, the road will be predictably bumpier for those two in particular.

The best book out there for people who want to understand more about their own adoption, the adoption of their loved ones, and mandatory if you are considering adopting a child. This book opened my eyes and those of many of my friends. I searched for and found my biological records in New York State. This book was a valuable tool in that search.

Got an old library copy, but as a middle-aged adoptee, her story spoke directly to my situation more than some newer books might. Very well written and engaging, as she is more of a writer, not a clinician. Helpful for anyone trying to understand the maze of details - cultural, societal and interpersonal, that complicate the adoption experience for people on all sides of it.

This book is right on-point. Superbly explains the issues and complications of adoption. This should be compulsory reading for anyone involved in adoption, including adoptees, adopting families, natural families, and social workers.

This was the first adoption reform book I ever read, back in 1980. Years later, BJ's book remains so important. I bought another copy to give to an an adoptee after he found his mother.

A must read and permanent addition to the book library of anyone involved in adoption. As an adoptee I found it very important.

gave me more information.