Losing Control and Liking It: How to Set Your Teen (and Yourself) Free

I know Tim Sanford. His trademark is that he always has a pencil stuck over his ear. But I checked his publicity photo on the back cover and I couldn't really see the pencil. He's one of those guys who rides mountain bikes, climbs rocks, does experiential ed and fun games, and all that good stuff. He's also written at least one other book about pk's and mk's. Now he's gone and written a little 178pp paperback from Focus on the Family (2009) that reads like it was transcribed from a seminar. But then every time I've heard Tim teach, he sounds pretty chatty, too, even if it was, say, on predestination. "Losing control and liking it" is not about predestination, unless it's a very deeply embedded subtext. The subtitle is "how to set your teen (and yourself) free." The back cover refers to the joys of cage-free parenting. Hopefully this is not just a shout out to DYFS (dept of youth and family services, the folks who pick you up when they discover you've caged your children.)This reminds me of the family who recently made the news when they put their adopted son on the airplane back to Russia with a one-way ticket earlier this year. Creative parenting, yes. But I think maybe they missed the part of the home study where they were reminded that children are not a returnable commodity? Apparently Tim didn't. He even includes a chapter for "when all else fails." Did you hear that Nebraska passed a law that parents could turn in children they didn't want to the state, no questions asked. This was so popular to some folks that they were coming from neighboring states just to take advantage of the offer.Tim's basic premise is that you are losing control from the time kids are born, and when they reach adulthood you'd better be done. He parses out three rules of life: 1) You live and die by your own choices. 2) You can choose smart or you can choose stupid. 3) There's always somebody or something whose job is to make your life miserable when you choose stupid. To help parents of teens figure out what is smart parenting, he defines and contrasts control, liability, responsibility, and influence. Control requires direct and complete power. We only have that over our own decisions (well, maybe, but that's another book.) Liability means legal responsibility for losses or damages. Parents have liability until their teens reach the age of majority, typically 18 in most US states. (A good way to find out is to ask what age you have to be to control your own bank account or secure a loan.) Responsibility Tim uses more practically to refer to what we each get to choose. Influence means the ability to motivate someone else to make a choice. It's what we have left when we don't have control.To help explain the dances of parents and teens, or anybody for that matter, Tim talks about four styles of choice management. Really there are two pairs. HOLDers take responsiblity for their own choices, whether they are teens or parents. They hold onto their own choices. FOLDers refuse to take responsibility for other people's choices. They fold their hands when they are not responsible. So to HOLD and FOLD is the good pair. TOSSers take their own choices and force them onto others. They toss away responsibilities they should hold onto. GRABers try to make other people's choices for them. They grab responsibilities that are not appropriately their own. So to GRAB and to TOSS is the bad pair of styles. Since we're always dealing with both our own responsibilities and those of others, we make a pair of choices in each situation. We may HOLD and GRAB, TOSS and GRAB, HOLD and FOLD, or TOSS and FOLD. Meanwhile our partner is the situation is making similar choices. So if I HOLD and you FOLD, we've got agreement and appropriate control. If I TOSS and you GRAB, we've also got agreement, but we're both out of control. The other two combinations, HOLD with GRAB, and TOSS with FOLD, are conflicted and lead to power struggles.If we can't GRAB and we can't TOSS, how do we resolve problems and power struggles? Tim refers to this as the work of influence. We use our own appropriate choices (and words) to influence each other to make good decisions, but we watch and wait for the third rule of life to catch up with the part b of the second rule rather than taking away each other's appropriate choices.Tim also has some good advice on keeping rules to a minimum, focused on safety and chaos (chapter 8), handling situations that make parents and teens mad at each other (9), dealing with those disaster scenarios (10), and playing the end game (11, e.g. moving from parenting to mutual maturity). He ends with a tongue-in-cheek final test and review and some parting advice.I thought Tim did a great job handling conflict in a way that lowers blaming (always unproductive,) increases acceptance, and promotes good interaction. The flow of the book isn't always fluid, but the presentation chunks are short, clear, and well-illustrated.I did note what appeared to me a bias toward TOSSers and FOLDers over HOLDers and GRABers. Maybe Tim has had some influential, but problematic HOLDers and GRABers in his history? Haven't we all! Seriously, it is natural to react in one direction or the other, so people who are good at HOLDing tend to err on the side of GRABing, and people who are good at FOLDing tend to err on the side of TOSSing. I think we know who we are, right? If you don't, ask somebody nearby. They probably have an opinion.Here are three places where I noticed what might be a bias to consider: First, the title. Losing control is only half the battle. Still, I think we can safely assume that the parents who are FOLDers and TOSSers may also be less likely to pick up the book, so why not target those who will actually read it?Second, the idea that rules are only for safety and chaos might leave out some good rules. I think rules can also be used to teach good habits. Of course, they still have to be enforceable and enforced or they're really just advice, but that's a reason in my "book" to start early, so you don't run out of time. Proactive parenting has the energy and wisdom left to look ahead and get children and teens ready for tomorrow, not just keep them safe today. I think rules can sometimes be an effective part of that, but the rule of thumb, as Tim emphasizes, is use influence and reward to teach new behaviors and use rules and penalties to hold people appropriately accountable for stupid choices.Last, I don't assume that just because 18 is the age of legal liability that it is also time to fully emancipate our emerging adult children. If they join the military or move out on their own, probably, but if they're still getting an education and remain dependent on their parents for basic needs, then maybe there should be room for a continuing gradual release of control over those next few years. When I graduated from college 32 years ago and now as my daughter graduates, I think that more clearly also demarcates the release point--not that I or my daughter were ever in a cage, of course.

Author: With Focus on the Family, Licensed Professional Counselor. Lives in Colorado, has 2 adult daughters.Thesis: Parents should influence their children by validating and nurturing, not trying to control. Rules are for safety and necessary order, but "You Live and Die by Your Own Choices" (p. 50, "Rule One of Life").Sanford begins with the 2 roles of parenting: validating and nurturing. This does NOT include "making them turn out right." He continues with other good points:1. The 3 rules of life: i. "You Live and Die by Your Own Choices" (i.e. parents cannot make those choices for their kids), ii. "You Can Choose Smart or Stupid" (i.e. not every choice is as good as another) iii. "There's Always Somebody or Something Whose Job Is to Make Your Life Miserable When You Choose Stupid," including parents! (I.e. parents do have a role in influencing their kids toward good choices, by making sure that poor choices have negative consequences.)2. 4 actions: healthy actions are to HOLD what you have control over and responsibility for and to FOLD your hands giving control to God for the rest. Unhealthy actions are to TOSS responsibility for your own choices to someone else and to GRAB responsibility for things you can't control.3. 3 habits to break: i. Replace "should" with "could, would like, wish, or choose" in your thinking and speech, both for yourself and for others. ii. Replace "what if" thinking with what you need to do right now, perhaps by thinking first of 5 colors you see, 5 sounds you hear and 5 things you physically feel (which can help bring you into the present). iii. Replace a desire to live your life again vicariously with a focus on what is good for your child based on their own gifts, interests, needs and abilities (this list of what to base on is mine, not Sanford's).4. 4 "dances": Do you try to GRAB what your child is trying to HOLD (and which is in fact theirs to hold)? Or do you GRAB when your child TOSSes? Or FOLD when they TOSS? Or stick with the healthy dance: FOLD while your child HOLDs?5. 7 rules on rules (versus advice or suggestions): remember that rules need to be enforced or they aren't rules but advice or suggestions, and make sure that the rules are in fact necessary for safety or order, that they are "a hill worth dying on" (p. 110) and that they are there "to make it `ouch' a bit when your teenager chooses stupid, not to `control' him or make him `turn out right'" (p. 111), much less simply for your own convenience . Make the consequences clear and specific, not "When you're responsible enough, then we'll ..." I.e. does not "Tie an `attitude change'" to restoration of a privilege taken for rule-breaking" (p. 170). And don't give "grace" unless the needed lesson has been learned. Sanford suggests limiting household rules to five.7. Anger = hurt + worry. Express it but without hurting yourself or others.8. A good discussion about intervention when it is needed, noting that timely mentoring by other adults can often remove any need for further intervention.9. Sanford also gives good advice about the legally important age of 18, which doesn't mean they no longer need you. But you may need to kick a kid out (treat them like a tenant? pp. 151-2). There's also good advice on the question of paying for college (Sanford recommends dealing with it as a scholarship fund would).The last word: questions are often much more effective than statements.

Extremely helpful book. My only complaint is I wish I read it sooner! Helps with parenting as well as relationships in general. Highly recommend!

As the parents of four goal-oriented, strong, spirited young adults, one who is now 23, one who, most sadly, died this summer at the age of 20, one who is 19, and one who is almost 18, this is the best book we have ever found on parenting through the times when teenagers are pushing limits as they figure out who they are and what they believe...for themselves. For those readers who follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, you will find great encouragement to trust the One who truly loves your young adult far more than you do, which will free you up to simply love your child and nurture a great relationship with them, rather than trying to control their behavior.We have found so much of what Tim Sanford teaches to be true, and yet we find ourselves going back to this book again and again for reminders and encouragement when we are tempted to "clamp down" out of fear, when really we should be trusting not only our God, but the process that will occur naturally as all that we have taught and modeled over the year comes together with the God's current work in the life of our incredibly insightful, thoughtful, opinionated 17 year old.

Wanted some insight on what "new" guidelines we needed for our 17 year old. Our youth pastor recommended this. It was a super easy read and I got through it in one sitting. Totally tweaked my mindset in a good way. We already knew that we needed to hand over a lot more control over his own life ... but we weren't sure exactly how to do that in a way that worked well for ALL of us. Highly recommend.

Dieses Buch gibt gute Tips im Umgang mit Teenagern, liest sich leicht und ist alltagstauglich. Ich kann es wärmstens weiterempfehlen.

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