Everything Is Workable: A Zen Approach to Conflict Resolution Paperback – December 3, 2013

Hamilton sees conflict as good news which can disrupt habitual patterns, invigorate us and bring new learning. Read this book and note which of three conflict styles you tend toward: aggression, avoidance or accommodating. In summary, if you are aggressive you can take up the practice of listening; if avoiding you can try to stay present; if you accommodate, you can risk expressing your opinion. One of the highlights is Hamilton’s treatment of the three fundamental perspectives: I, You, and It. She points out the importance of having your own perspective with the capacity to make your requests known and setting boundaries by saying, “No.” Then she makes it clear that being able to see from another’s perspective is not at all passive but a strength that involves the art of listening and taking in the other person without necessarily agreeing with them on everything. The It perspective includes the broad implications from the past and future with a sense of neutrality. Hamilton notes that anyone who can view from all three perspectives has emotional maturity, fearlessness, and insight, and such a person is a great gift.

Ms Hamilton takes personal stories, life stories, and walks you through how to live a comfortable life with less conflict with yourself as well with others. She builds on a base that facing conflict is good, not to be avoided or covered up. How to be a stronger person, or happier with yourself, then move onto avoiding or resolving conflict with others by teaching principles that are basic.Ms Hamilton teaches how to listen, give and receive feedback, and to be thinking "inclusive" of all humans. Personally the first 30 pages were a challenge for me. I thought another book with a great title but the same information as others before it. But I was rewarded for sticking with it and enjoyed the book and gained knowledge on how to see that there are others perspectives to take into account, when you think you are the one who is right and the other person is wrong. I have chapter 17 marked to look back at it often. It is titled The Shadow In Conflict. It touched me deeply in understanding how I look at another person critically and shows how to overcome that critical view. 200 pages that are easy to read and I am sure you will be better after you have finished the book and the chapter reviews. Go buy this book.

This book changed the way I understand and approach conflict. It helped me to see that conflict resolution is a healthy, productive and empowering way to seek and maintain peace and spiritual health within. This book emboldens the conflict reticent to speak up, be brave, and say what needs to be said for the good of oneself and one's relationships - both personally and professionally. It changed my life. Read it; you will be glad you did if you have ever been the type of person who avoids conflict out of self-preservation.

There are some books in the conflict resolution field that have impacted all disciplines, from education to politics to psychology and to business. Internationally, Getting to Yes by Fischer, Ury, and Patton and Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg are such books. These books draw people in for decades now. Everything is Workable by Diane Musho Hamilton will be one of those books too. It contains the dangerous egalitarian currents that are changing our world. It is practical and effective. It's fluid and a joy to read. It certainly promotes sanity and psychological flexibility. Read it at your own risk, as it will influence your relationships, career, and health.

When we're looking for ways to get unstuck from one of the key things that as a society is keeping us stuck. polarized conversations, this book and our application of its contents can be a miracle worker. Diane's writing style and knowledge makes it easy to understand. Putting it into practice in our own lives is often the step that seems the most difficult. Diane's coaching and assignments at the end of each chapter makes learning to use what is in this book much less daunting. I highly recommend you take the first step by reading this encouraging book.

Enjoyed the personal stories and writing style very much. Have heard about related online seminar from a friend in Salt Lake City but had no time for yet another online course. The book captures a career of deep study and practice. I'm glad Diane Musho Hamilton took the time to write this little gem, which integrates Zen wisdom with practical ways of addressing not only the inherent conflict in life but the suffering that conflict brings. Terrific for anyone studying human relations or breakdowns in their own relationships.

Really great book that incorporates Zen practice into maneuvering your everyday relationships. You don't have to be a Zen practitioner to appreciate the wisdom in the book though. Glad I read it, and it will be one I keep and re-read in the future.

Easy read. Wisdom based text with real world examples

Everything Is Workable: A Zen Approach to Conflict Resolution by Diane Musho Hamilton is, as the subtitle says, a book on conflict resolution combined with meditation practice. Diane Musho Hamilton is an experienced mediator and meditator, and has much experience to share. Here is a summary of the book together with some conclusions.ConflictConflict ”is intrinsic to our human experience” (p.1). To ”transform conflict, we must let go of the notion that something or someone is wrong or bad” (p.3). ”The conflict isn’t the problem; our response to it is” (p.3). Learning how to transform conflict ”demands that we become more present, more fearless” (p.5).MeditationMeditation is a ”method to help us access a deep sense of inner calm and trust in the unfolding of our life” (p.13). The ”first encounter with ourselves is often an unruly mix” of bodily discomfort and emotional unease (p.8). ”We are preoccupied with … forming so many opinions, judgments, and preferences in reactions to life” (p.9). When ”the mind settles down and we become one with our immediate experience” everything ”becomes … more workable” (p.10).IntentionIntention is ”an internal choice or commitment that guides our actions” (p.15). Often problems arise ”because we aren’t clear … about what we really intend in our interactions with others” (p.18). It’s therefore ”extremely important” that we ”clarify our intentions” (p.19). ”To communicate, problem solve, deal with conflict, and work with others, we must be present to things as they are” (p.19). This requires intention, and clarifying our intention ”requires a willingness to be rigorously honest with ourselves” (p.20).Attention”By paying attention, we learn to respond differently” (p.24). ”In each moment, we can … create more choices for ourselves” (p.26). ”Learning how to be present to conflict is similar to learning how to be present to pain” (p.26). In any situation ”we can access the innate wisdom of the moment” (p.27). We can learn to ”remain present despite all sorts of impulses to do something else” (p.30). We even have ”the ability to take a perspective on our momentary perspective” (p.31). We can ”consciously choose new ways to relate with ourselves and others” (p.31).EmotionsWe can “learn to transform our emotions without suppressing them” (p.34). Learning how ”to relate with fear directly” is necessary ”to working with conflict” (p.35). Emotional states are ”powerful sources of information and of … energy” (p.37). Allowing ourselves to ”really feel the flood of … emotions” help us ”work with them” and ”navigate through them” (p.39).ProtectionThere are ”three basic ways we protect ourselves” (p.42): We ”move away,” ”move toward,” or ”move against” (p.42). We expend ”energy on suppressing awareness of the conflict” (p.44). And the ”suppression leads to depression, isolation, and … helplessness” (p.44). ”We have to be able to say no and mean it” (p.47).Aggression”Aggression always creates a sense of separation” (p.48). We need to learn to ”expose our vulnerability, and step into new ways of being” (p.49). We can then ”stay present instead of disappearing” (p.50). This makes it possible for us to ”know what we think and feel, and … communicate that clearly” (p.50).PerspectivesA few people are ”incapable of expressing … their wants, and their needs” (p.55). Most people are able to ”speak on their own behalf,” but are ”unable to see the validity of the other side” (p.56). Some are ”more flexible” (p.56). And very few are able to ”express their point of view, genuinely listen to an opposing one, and include … the interests of third parties” (p.56). ”Rather than cope with … anxiety and doubt, we are tempted to … collapsing reality into a single point of view” (p.58).NavigationGranting “the validity of another’s first-person perspective is key” (p.65). Each one of us ”relies on our first-person perspective to navigate … reality” (p.66), The first step is to ”acknowledge the validity of each … first first-person perspective” (p.69). ”To bring people together … we must weave first-person perspectives together with … third-person information” (p.68).IdentityGrowing ”an individual identity is a critical step” (p.73) ”First we need to learn how to care for ourselves and be responsible for our own lives” (p.73). In time, we can learn to “rest naturally in wakeful awareness” (p.75). ”We learn to see that the 'I' perspective is always limited and sometimes blind” (p.76).ResponsibilityThe most ”powerful and liberating use of the first person comes when we … take responsibility for ourselves and our actions” (p.76). There is also ”a power to expressing vulnerability from first person” (p.77). We ”learn to express ourselves with more openness” (p.77). When we ”speak consciously from the first-person perspective, we are … owning our self-motivations” (p.79).Listening”Listening is so powerful as to be almost alchemical in its ability to transform a conversation or conflict” (p.85). ”Listening … requires intention, openness, and generosity” (p.86).”We steady our attention” and ”remain fully present” (p.91). ”This goes a long way in the art of being human” (p.91). ”Paradoxically, if we privilege language less, we seem to listen more” (p.91).WitnessingRemarkably, we can ”take a perspective on our perspective” (p.98). ”Sometimes simply witnessing can have a positive effect on a situation” (p.99). Being ”present, unbiased, and available to what is without imposing preconceived ideas or judgments” (p.100).ChangeAll things ”are subject to context, causes, and conditions” (p.108). ”Everything is always changing” and ”influencing everything else” (p.108). ”We can still have our opinions and … values, but we cease to grip them as the source of our security” (p.109). We find that ”we can cultivate and deepen our values” (p.109).NegotiationsWe are ”involved in negotiations all the time” (p.114). Good negotiations ”depend on cultivating good relationships” (p.114). It’s important to take ”different perspectives: yours, the other side’s, and a neutral one” (p.114). ”People often relax their positions when their deeper wants and needs are affirmed” (p.117). ”Once shared interests are identified, creativity sets in” (p.117). ”The assumption is that something good will emerge if people bring their passion and skills to the table and suspend their need to know how things will turn out” (p.113).Creativity”Creativity is all-pervasive and ever present” (p.120). Creativity ”occurs in the moment-to-moment existence of everyone and everything” (p.122). Every situation, including conflict, ”offers us an opportunity to innovate” (p.122). ”Creativity is always percolating just below the surface of our lives” (p.124). Playing with conflict ”implies an attitude of ease, curiosity, and possibility” (p.124).ControlRelinquish the ”attachment to controlling outcomes” (p.125). ”The idea is not to eliminate conflict” (p.128). ”The aim is to transform it” (p.128). Creativity necessarily ”involves encounters with the unknown, the chaotic, and the pain that … accompany the birth of something new” (p.128).ReframingThe ”same event can be interpreted in many ways” (p.131). A ”skillful reframe can determine whether a conversation succeeds or fails” (p.131). ”Skillful reframes … help us strip … negative judgments from our conversations” (p.133). However, to succeed ”a reframe has to contain a compelling truth” (p.133). New interpretations must enable ”us to see more than we did before” (p.134).RelaxationStrong feelings ”often govern the meaning we make of our experiences” (p.134). It’s important to learn to relax, using the breath to calm the ”overly protective nervous system” (p.138). This opens ”the space to respond consciously” (p.139). Usually, ”we don’t allow for the space” and ”fail to feel the body’s reaction[s]” (p.139). ”Learning to feel directly and consciously is very important” (p.139). If ”we stop feeling, its sensations start dictating our responses” (p.139).Understanding”If we are emotionally stressed, calming ourselves is essential” (p.144). Our ”energy communicates … more immediately than our words do” (p.144). ”It is … important to support what we are saying with a clear description of our expectations, as well as examples of what improvement would look like” (p.145). ”Finding shared understanding in our communication weaves strength, continuity, and durability into our relationships” (p.146).Shadow”It is imperative to own shadow” (p.151). ”We expend … life energy when we reject part of our identity” (p.151). ”Our ability to be authentic and natural with others is inevitably compromised when we repress certain thoughts and feelings” (p.151). ”Our inability to touch the places in ourselves that we fear and judge makes us critical and fearful of the world” (p.151). Conflict sometimes dissolves when ”projection is taken back” (p.157). And even if conflicts don’t go away ”we may see them differently” (p.157).Worldviews”Worldviews comprise a whole set of perspectives that influence our interpretation of reality and filter our experience” (p.162). We ”usually have to be pushed or pulled out of our comfort zone” to ”change our worldview” (p.164). ”A worldview is … an entire gestalt of opinions that frames meaning” (p.164). When ”we can look at the filter of our own worldview” we can begin ”to challenge our assumptions instead of everyone else’s” (p.171).Compassion”For anyone working with conflict, compassion is a core capacity” (p.176). ”Compassion flows from a heart that brings nonjudgmental presence” (p.176). Without practice we ”habitually contract and defend against pain” (p.177). We can work with strong emotions ”by giving in to them instead of resisting … them” (p.179). It’s in itself ”a form of compassion” (p.179). ”As compassion is to suffering, forgiveness is to injury” (p.180). ”Working with our feelings, keeping our hearts open, and staying … compassionate … promote fearlessness and courage” (p.180).PracticeConflict resolution isn’t easy. ”There are different ways to go about it” (p.195). ”It imperative that we … listen more deeply to different points of view” and ”learn to take a stand and speak with clarity ” when we are called to do so (p.196). ”With practice, we can develop our conflict skills” (p.198). We can learn ”to engage with awareness and compassion, … liberated from fixed outcomes” (p.198). There is a joy ”just below the surface” (p.199). ”Life is good, even when it is hard” (p.200).ConclusionsThis is a great book about a very important topic. Constructive conflict resolution is critically important. The aim is not to eliminate conflict, but to transform it by staying fully present. This requires a willingness to be honest and compassionate with ourselves and others. And it requires practice — much practice. The book is very readable and full of different practices. I recommend the book!

Great book, really changed my thought process and approach to conflict and provided so good practice exercises to help. I'm still a work in progress as it's difficult to override initial emotional reaction to conflict situations, but now very much aware of my own feelings and conciously trying to take different points of view and approach difficult situations differently. Will definitely be a book I refer back to and would recommend it to anyone who is looking to understand themselves and others better in conflict situations.

Really wonderful book.

Lately I have had the joy of encountering new books, at least new to me, that seem to speak exactly the right “living words” to me as I read different parts of the book over several weeks. This allows me to savour these unexpected but always welcome encounters: as if I’ve been able to actually have tea with the author. This is one such book and Diane Musho Hamilton is one such person. Without having ever met her, I meet her in many familiar places and thank her for the reminders she carves into the landscape of our shared walk through life. Thank you for this really wonderful work.

Avoidance, accommodation or aggression are our coping styles is what we tend to do.Expanding your options: these are coping efforts are good when they are neccesary, but they aren’t the only choices for a better way, to actually engage more fluidly, with more options and mpre skill.Diane explains that our inner conflict with conflict is expressed by an analogy with what’s going on when conflict arises - of a crying baby on an airplane and how we react to that: who’s to blame, the sensations in the body tell you somethings wrong, and instead of reacting with a coping effort, to learn to turn into the situation that’s happening internally within.Diane speaks to getting clear on what your side is before the side of the other AND then listening to the other side, and making the very best attempt at dropping your point so the other [erson feels completely heard (this has to work both ways). then she explains that you can be creative with one another, there is something new on the other side of mutual listening.The book also shows that it requires both to be able to relax more, and to be available to what emerges, rather than come in with the solution you had at the beginning. We’ve all been there!It’s a complex move to do all this. and sometimes you can set up all the conditions and hope that it can work, and this requires skill and emotional range. Even then, the best laid plans. So we have to be mindful.This book really helps unpack this domain exceptionally well. Healthy productive conflict is really hard to do well, like a martial art, we don’t get fluid and relaxed in the wrestling (or rumbling as Brene Brown speaks to), unless we practice more, and finding a safe dojo to practice, and finding a great teacher. Diane is definetly one of those great teachers.