How Mothers Love: And how relationships are born Kindle Edition

I'm now a mum of teenagers, handing out this book, and its companion What Mothers Do, to my sisters in law and any friends who are starting out on their parenting journey. If I ever get to be a granny, I'd hope to pass it on to daughters in law too (you'll notice I only have brothers and sons!) It's not a bad idea at all for a Dad to read it too - he wouldn't fail to find it illuminating.Naomi Stadlen has a bank of what amounts to diamond sharp research findings harvested, with a feather-light but deft listening ear, over 25 years of gathering young mothers and their infants together in a comfortable space. Parents of young children gather for many kinds of groups but rarely are they as deliberately nonjudgmental as hers. A new mother is an especially defenceless and wary kind of animal: she needs a special kind of safety to be able to reveal her sweet and sour: in this book, the women say it like it is. I read it swiftly, weeping often with recognition and reminiscence, finding it validating and comforting years after mine were babies. How joyful to read something so fully feminine, warmly capturing and celebrating Her without distortion. A new mother may even be able to concentrate on reading this, during her ten minutes' space that will be soon interrupted!Stadlen does a great job of describing and interpreting views that are wide-ranging and sometimes seemingly contradictory. She is a sympathetic champion of mothers of many backgrounds as she organises the chaos of the early years' experiences into themes for a reader. Open to any woman's real experience, Stadlen repeatedly unpacks things they say in a supportive light, using gentle, tactful prose. She does this because she's a caring practitioner and she has professional skills to do so, but also because she has the conviction that women's voices have been shamefully uninvited into societal discourse. I am still as horrified as her to think of how little validation and honour is accorded to the sheer energy and courage that women everywhere pour into the essential human loving endeavour of mothering. Her approach is almost stealthy, a sort of guerrilla exercise of writing this book in order to bring mothers out from underneath.Towards the end of the book, Stadlen engages with theoretical debates head on. She tackles developmental psychologists and behaviourists whose treatises have had significant influences on parenting practice over the last century or so, patiently pointing out their illogical and deaf-to-actual-real-women flaws. I think this book ought to be on many Psychology undergraduate book lists! She also characterises two fundamental but seemingly conflictual modes of mothering in a way I've never seen so intelligently set out. For simplicity's sake, I'll call them training-based and liberal; she uses a Spartan and Athenian metaphor. The first tends to run on schedule more than the other. It's a bit like being left or right wing (often something that runs in a family) or being left or right brain dominant. Stadlen recognises that everyone has their own leaning, a way that will be more likely to work for them. Parenting literature these days is heavily weighted towards the training-based and Stadlen's thesis is that this is because its more effective for a society where the overall preference is for women to get back to the workplace sooner. This part of the book is quite different from the first, more political, and reveals Stadlen's personal motivation to give voice to the 'Athenian' virtues. Absurdly, they're seen as practically counter-cultural these days.Parenting debates are so touchy and full of strident voices sounding more confident than they might feel deep down. This brilliant book is so welcome because its different: I wish all parents would read it and feel its support. It's like a great big piece of mothering in itself. Bravo!

I loved the first chapter which spoke about how a mother is conscious of her child regardless of situation/conversation/etc... but I felt it went downhill from there. I know this is a well loved book by so many but I think there are many other books which I would place above this in my recommended literature for mothers "in the thick of it"

I just love this book and have given it to many of my new mummy friends.I find it really affirming and made me feel better in the very early days when days seemed to go one forever though nothing was achieved. It helped remind me that there is so much achieved in the early days loving and caring for a baby. I would recommend this book!!

Is very interesting as I read it but is not a turn pager and I can't really summarise what I've just read...it doesn't really seem to give any conclusions. I can relate to some comments made as I am reading it.

A great book for any new mother - highly recommended. I have bought 5+ copies over the last 2 years

Thought provoking and heartwarming, I enjoyed this and the Naomi Stadlen's previous book (whose title I can't recall at the moment).

I saw this book mentioned in the Guardian, and thought it might help me to understand how my style of mothering has affected my children.

very happy with the book and service.