Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

My psychiatrist pretty much made me order this book even though in my mind I was dead set against, thinking it was going to be a waste of time, perfectly convinced I knew everything about myself and whatever kind of "attached" I was.Whoa.Was I wrong.And I hate to be wrong. Thanks, Dr. D.General Information: This book is an easy read. It's not that stuff you need to be a rocket-scientist to figure out - in layman terms it briefs you on the broader different styles of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. The book helps you determine what kind of attachment styles you have via reading examples of others attachment styles and there are also some quizzes if you're still not sure, all of which I found useful. I really liked that the authors presented examples of scenarios of attachment styles and encouraged the reader to read through the scenarios and guess the kind of attachment styles that were presented based on the knowledge we had already been given in the earlier part of the book. I find that a helpful way to learn.Given that I was not into reading this in the first place - the fact that it was light reading, interesting and at times fun - made me very attuned to what this book had to say. I agree it wasn't super in-depth but I don't fault this book for that because if it was super in depth I would have not even read it. My psychiatrist knows what the heck she is talking about and she choose this book for a reason - so I have zero complaints. I think she was even impressed with how much I was able to take away after reading it in one day.Personal Information:This book taught me a lot about myself. With women, I have anxious attachments - stemming from an unpredictable childhood. I pretty much tend to gravitate toward any one who acts maternal with me and cling to her. This isn't necessarily about romantic attachment for me, it spelled out a lot of patterns with all the people I have in my life: from friends, family members, partners and even my doctors.I had started to notice that I was feeling unsettled in my relationship with my fiance. I was getting annoyed at everything he did. Little things, like the way he chewed. I would get annoyed when he would text me and completely ignore him for hours at a time. Until I read this book, I didn't realize the problem was me and that with men I have a very avoidant attachment style. I was able to take the criticism to heart without feeling persecuted because the book doesn't make you feel that way even though avoidants can come off as very very harsh and cruel and indifferent.I'm now able to communicate more effectively, recognize my own patterns of behavior, identify that I am responsible for my own actions and feelings and now I feel a real sense of control and independence because I have that knowledge. I have that security. I can reciprocate with my fiance now and not be so dismissive of him and I'm able to be a bit more open without feeling that he's trying to stop me from being my own person or that he's suffocating me.I highly recommend this book. If you want to delve super deep into this attachment thing - some other reviewers mentioned additions and alternatives but I wouldn't. I am a very learned person, a very intelligent person and I didn't need anything more in depth than this book to help me to start to recognize patterns that needed to change. I think this book is best served to people who can admit where they are on the attachment continuum. I happen to be at a place in my life now, thanks to my psychiatrist and therapist, where I am able to let my guard down a bit and accept things that are difficult for me to accept.. Maybe even just six months ago I wouldn't have been ready to admit this. But given my ability to be ready and my desire to make things right in my life now that I have a child - I didn't need a guide book to tell me how to figure out the things I needed to do to fix the areas that needed work in my life regarding my attachment styles.I disagree with the reviews that claim this book doesn't offer us any insight as to why we are the way we are and what we can do about it. Several times this book mentions the theories of infant and other kinds of attachments but does say that it's not the purpose of this book to delve into that. That's good enough for me. I was able to discern from the minimal but powerful examples they give of the attachment styles of infants to their caregivers to know why I am the way I am and I wrote a whole essay about it to share with my psychiatrist.... thanks to this book.As for what we can do about it - this was also something I didn't need a road map for. This is going to sound pretty darn simplistic but maybe that's just because it is. Kind of just do the opposite of what you're doing....???? That is how this has been working for me, anyway. But of course, I relied on the examples in the book to help direct my behavior without needing a "HOW TO" direction stamped across the page. You rely on your intuition. You rely on your knowledge. You rely on your empathy and most of all you rely on your willingness to enact change.The examples in this book were definitely not apples to apples with how I am with my fiance - but it was enough of an eye-opening experience for me to say to myself: "Oh geez..... I do things like this all the time and this is how my fiance must feel. He's just reacting to my avoidance. If I start to try to be less avoidant and give him a little bit more security by acknowledging him maybe he won't feel so frustrated or taken advantage of or hurt."And that's what I started to do. I started to recognize the behaviors I have that are avoidant and started to replace them with more healthy behaviors. At first this wasn't easy. I felt like I was losing a part of myself by giving in to him but then I realized that's silly and I went back to the book for guidance and reassurance and that's when I decided to feel more secure and in control. I'm far more independent by making the right, healthy choices for our relationship than I am being a slave to my fear of dependency. I really feel empowered by this and I thank the authors for putting this out there in a way that isn't complicated but that is so very helpful.

One of best practical books I have ever read. Communication skill have improved and I choose my relationships with better clarity.

This book should be required reading! I’ve never had such clarity around attachment styles and how they impact relationship dynamics. If you’re looking to learn more about yourself, your partner, or why you’re caught in dissatisfying relationship cycles, this book will be very enlightening! Highly recommend!

I liked how in depth the authors explained different attachment styles and how they engage with other styles. I found it a bit of a bummer that most of the advice was for single or casual dating scenarios … a good amount of advice focused on identifying and leaving the relationships with anyone not secure. I wanted more focus on becoming secure and on making a mismatch (anxious + avoidant) work by becoming secure together.

I have already read it before, but I gave it to a friend and now I want to read it again, a great book to uncover our unconscious attachment and get to know more about yourselves and others.

This book was recommended to me by my therapist. I wish I would have known about this 15 years ago. It breaks down attachment styles easily and in understandable terms with plenty of different types of examples. Every person on earth has an attachment style and I truly believe if everyone understood what they are and how to use that knowledge to help your relationships - things would maybe be a little bit better. After reading I’m now much more aware of my personal issues and how I can separate them and adjust before they impact my relationships permanently. And this isn’t just for romantic relationships, this applies to family and friend relationships as well. Very very helpful.

This book is full of information.

This book "Attached" was one of the greatest self help materials that I have ever read. If you are interested in learning about attachment theory and how it correlates into your dating life, well then this book is definitely for you!What sets this book apart from other self help relationship themed books is a few things that I'll talk about below:-First, the book is coupled with research (actually over two decades of it) from a very wide pool of people so this book will definitely capture whoever you are and whatever you're going through.-The book also does an amazing job at validating your feelings and if you have an anxious attachment (defined by a need for closeness, lots of emotional intimacy, and reassurance that the relationship is secure) then it is common for a lot of self help materials to chastise you for having those needs (as American/ western culture is focused on self reliance and independency) and aim to steer you in the direction of repressing your feelings, denying them, and partaking in actions that are untrue to oneself (is it obvious that this is my style yet?!?! Lol).-Another thing that sets apart this book from most is that oftentimes other self help relationship materials will be VERY gendered. It will tend to dichotomize certain behaviors to women and certain behaviors to men and tell women that they need to think more like men (which would be characterized as avoidant style in the book). This book goes out of the way to mention that everyone can have different attachment styles REGARDLESS OF GENDER. It's okay if you are a man and have an anxious attachment style or you are a women and are avoidant-- there's nothing wrong with that and the book goes to validate that.This book's style has a very fluid narration as it does a great job helping you to understand: attachment theory, your attachment style as well as others, and succeeds in giving an abundance of tips, tools and exercises ultimately leading you to the land of effective communication so that you can face the least amount of conflict in the relationship (ultimately caused by underlying intimacy issues).My only complain is that the examples in the book were blatantly heterosexual in nature (except for one couple that I thought might've been a gay couple, but I wasn't sure) and wasn't really inclusive of all gender expressions based on the language used, (and I saw one thing that may have been offensive to asexual or celibate individuals) but if you are willing to look past those things and you don't mind, then go for it!!If you are buying this book, then good for you, go on with ya bad self! I congratulate you for wanting to take the steps to revolutionize your dating life. As for myself, at the young age of 20, I can say that this book will forever change my life and it was the best $10 I have spent in a very long time. I am going to share it with everyone!Cheers!!(Also read the other reviews to get a better idea of attachment theory as my review is too long to fully go in depth about that... Sorry yall!)

Teoria muito esclarecedora para entender a dinâmica dos relacionamentos e construir meios saudáveis e positivos de se relacionar. Recomendo fortemente a leitura.

L’ho letto in inglese ma esiste anche la versione in italiano. Lo consiglio moltissimo: un libro che va letto anche solo per cultura generale, per spazzare via tantissimi preconcetti che rovinano la vita sentimentale delle persone. Lo metterei come lettura obbligatoria alle superiori.

I studied Psychology and until now, I didn't fully understand the attachment patterns, because I personally need example like the book shows to fully comprehend those type of topics.Very interesting approach and easy to understand.

I'm 33 and this is the first review I'm giving as it it beyond words how much I appreciate this book has been written.If I had to name one single thing that was most helpful in emotional hardship, it would be this book!I'm just out of another painful breakup; but reading this book was really soothing and healing me from the recent experience, also from past disappointments and hopefully it will protect me from future ones.I realised that this partner was completely unsuitable for me, I even got almost grossed-out and appalled by his confusing behaviour, finally understanding that every single characteristic of it is a symptom of avoidant attachment style.If I ever had a daughter, this book would be the first thing I'd give her "on the way" when she's a young adult.Reading it made me finally understand why my past relationships with those people I "loved" very much were always so destructive. Eventually it turns out that it wasn't love but rather some unhealthy dynamics, a lot of confusion and pain through mixed messages by the other part, that caused me to constantly doubt and dwell on someone excessively, even after breaking up myself because I was so emotionally drained already.If I had known earlier how to spot out and not attract these men that are unsuitable for me, I would probably not have wasted years with the wrong people and I'd be in a happy and stable relationship by now. It is so important to realise and understand these patterns.Don't confuse feeling anxious about someone with "love" !Don't let emotional unavailability turn you on!Don't get hooked on the hight& lows, on inconsistency of someone's affection.

First of all, I really enjoyed reading this book. This is far more insightful than what I learned in my psych courses on attachment theory. I also appreciated the sheer number of examples used in the book, which helped to clarify the authors’ points.It was illuminating to see the many tendencies of different attachment types, especially when we see some attitudes that are prevalent in society. (E.g. The avoidant’s complaints that their partner is being needy, clingy, or demanding; the anxious partner’s apprehension towards the fate of their relationship if their mate takes too long to reply to their text messages.) Because such attitudes and beliefs are widely heard of in our society, we might believe that they are all true and valid beliefs. They are not. In fact, I recognize that they are the products of emotional reasoning—“I feel like this, therefore it’s true.”The self-assessment was helpful, as it uncovered some misunderstandings I had about myself. I thought I was mostly secure but with an avoidant bent, and that I was rarely anxious. However, in the test results, I am indeed predominantly secure, with a few anxious and avoidant tendencies—but I had more anxious than avoidant characteristics! This was quite a surprise. What’s more, I realized that I have fantasies about taking care of and comforting an anxious partner.In addition, I loved the special sections on the avoidant-anxious couple, and why they tend to attract each other. The chapter on effective communication was enlightening too.There are a few things that I would have liked to see in the book, though. For starters, I was struck by how all of the example couples were of the opposite gender (male-female). There was not a single same-gender couple. And there was only one potentially gay person, who was portrayed in a negative light. He was a guy figuring out his sexual orientation, and was depicted as a guy who was stringing women along, even though he was slowly discovering that he was not into females. He apparently had intentions to bring home a girlfriend to please his family too.Not that I think anyone should use someone of the opposite gender to pretend to be heterosexual to their parents. However, it felt disheartening as a gay person myself, to see the only explicitly queer person in the book perceived in such a poor light. It’s like reading those stories where the only gay character in the book is the main villain. It feels terrible.Also, I know most people are still unaware of this, but it bothers me that many books, including this one, are still using the phrases “he or she,” “him or her,” “his or her,” “(s)he,” etc. I would really appreciate it if they used the gender neutral “they,” “their,” “them” instead, since not all folks use “he” or “she” pronouns. Plus, some folks are nonbinary, i.e. neither “male” nor “female.”Secondly, the authors say that anxious men and avoidant women exist, so we shouldn’t assume that anxious and avoidant attachment styles are tied to gender. Yet, in this book, the vast majority of anxious people were women, and almost all of the avoidant people were men…I wish we could see more avoidant females and anxious males in the examples.As a matter of fact, I felt that there was a strong sympathy for anxious individuals, whilst the avoidants were often seen as the bad guys, the jerks, and the heartbreakers. Some examples of avoidants in the book, were downright emotionally and verbally abusive! (Being afraid of closeness, does not give anyone the excuse to belittle and insult their partner.) I don’t doubt that some avoidants treat their partners terribly, but surely there are other avoidants who are not that cruel, as well as some anxious and secure partners who are nasty too.Very many, if not most, of the avoidants in this book behaved so coldly and hurtfully, that this sample of avoidants inevitably demonizes them. Even some of the behaviors and attitudes listed for avoidants were quite atrocious, e.g. more likely to be unfaithful, denigrating and devaluing their partner, etc. It would be very nice if there was a more sympathetic perspective on avoidants, so we can understand their world more. Since most avoidants in the book were men, and there is already so much vilification of men in our society, the avoidants were made to look even worse. I don’t believe that all, or even most, avoidants are horrible and selfish romantic partners, though.There were some points made about avoidants that could be confused with aromantics. I know aromantics are generally unknown or misunderstood by the general population, but still, I wish there was more differentiation between aros and avoidants here.Furthermore, I would love to know more about how an anxious-avoidant couple could still work, aside from having the anxious partner lower their standards for closeness (a one-sided compromise). Couldn’t the avoidant partner make some compromises too?There was a section on finding and emulating secure role models, which sounds promising, but it was not as detailed or in depth as I hoped it to be. How can an avoidant partner make themselves more responsive and available to their partner? Is there any way they can become more comfortable with closeness over time? Instead of just making grudging accommodations for their anxious partner? On the other side of the coin, is there a way that anxious folks can become more comfortable with space and distance? Related to this last point, I’ve heard of one writer, who might have an avoidant attachment style, explain it like this (not the exact wording): “We need time away from our partner to rest and replenish our energy. Afterwards, we will be happy to engage with our partner again. Wanting to take a break from you doesn’t mean we don’t love you. It just means we need some time alone to recharge.” Isn’t this a much more positive and sympathetic portrayal of avoidants? This way, they don’t look like heartless, cold-blooded people.I would be quite curious to learn about secure-avoidant couples. From what I understood, secures do crave emotional closeness, so even though they don’t take their partner’s distance personally, would the secures still feel a little sad inside? Also, just because someone is avoidant, does that mean they can never give and receive emotional intimacy at all? My impression is that they do have some moments of closeness or emotional expressiveness. In fact, I recall one avoidant in the book who had no problems saying the words, “I love you.”In a similar vein, I would like to see more examples of an avoidant partner who uses effective communication to tell their partner their needs, where their partner (even an anxious one) accepts, and where it doesn’t sound like the avoidant is Mirandizing their lover, and absolving themselves of all responsibility. The relationship is not just about the avoidant’s needs and desires, after all. It’s also about their partners’ wants and needs.It would be very interesting to see how an anxious-anxious couple would be like. Would they fare better than the typical avoidant-anxious couple?Finally, there were two concepts that were briefly mentioned but not elaborated on: What is disorganized attachment? And how are people who are both avoidant and anxious like? I would be happy to know more about these two categories of folks.I loved this book very much, thus the five stars. There were just a few areas I described above that I thought the book could improve on.