It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

After losing my son to suicide, this book has been one of the only things in my life that makes me feel seen and understood. If I were rich, I would buy everyone in the world a copy of this book. It should be requirred reading for every therapist. If you really want to understand grief and grief support, read this book. If you are sick of hearing about the so-called "5 Stages of Grieving" and you feel like no one truly understands how excrutiatingly painful it is just to exist while grieving, read this book. If you feel like your therapist, friends, and family understand nothing about what it takes for you to wake up to another day without your person in the world, read this book. Megan Devine is someone who is just as fed up as you are with platitudes, cliches, and the shallow reassurrances offered by the well-meaning, but completely clueless, people in our lives. People who clearly do not understand what it feels like to drown in grief and still be expected to function and talk to other people as if you aren't shattered and screaming inside. What this book offers is understanding and compassion. It does not try to fix the unfixable, but instead, comes alongside you so that you can finally feel seen and understood. If you are desperate to tell the truth about your pain when people ask, "How are you?", but instead feel forced by societal norms to lie and carry on, read this book. Presence in Pain. Not Platitudes. I have read 42 books on grief since my loss, and this is the only one I would bother to recommend, and I recommend it to EVERYONE grieving any death, of any loved one, by any means of loss. As well as recommending it to those who want to understand and truly help people who are grieving.

I've been gifted, loaned and purchased many grief books in the two years since my son died. I can honestly say that none of those texts resonated with me and the truth of my grief experience more than Megan Devine's new book. She is a credible source of useful information, bringing not only her educational and occupational background to bear but more importantly her own life experience with deep loss and a broken culture. Above all, she is a truth teller and an advocate you'll want in your grief space. The beauty of this book is the universal insights it offers for EVERYONE who has experienced deep grief or desires to genuinely support another in their loss. The author outlines a refreshing take on grief for the reader's consideration, one where acknowledgment and a desire to love better are critical components in supporting ourselves and each other following a significant loss (ie. death, accident, illness, etc.) She adeptly explains the model's concepts in lay terms, provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of grief. The quotes from her writing students are especially relevant and poignant. I found Megan's work validating and thought-provoking, especially concepts such as her broader definition of "early grief", common platitudes (and why I feel their adverse affect), the critical distinction between pain and suffering (and how to minimize latter), grief as an experiment rather than a problem to be solved, and the vital role of acknowledgment and companionship in creating a way forward. One of my favorite sections is the appendix, an essay on helping a grieving friend, which offers carefully-crafted and readily shareable ground rules for supporting a loved one. I'd recommend reading this book if you or a loved one are in the midst of deep grief and looking for validation, guidance, and honesty in a post-loss world. This book, and especially the associated resources available at refugeingrief.com, are powerful tools for navigating your grief landscape with love and understanding. It's permission to grieve in your way and in your time ... and this has made all the difference in my own post-loss landscape.

I bought this book as a gift for a friend who lost her husband. She has been having a hard time and the grief counseling near her was not helping. She just called me and said this is the best book ever. And was so thankful I sent it to her. This is helping her. I can't thank you enough to the author.

This book helped me through the loss of my wife in immeasurable ways. If you are grieving or battling through a loss, Megan tells you that you are not wrong and you are not alone in your journey. I found comfort in this book and, four years later, still dip into it for solace.

I've been dealing with a sudden loss for over six months, and it's been a struggle. This book gave a perspective that paralleled my own. It echoed a lot of the things I've been saying for the past half year. I've mentioned to my husband I don't feel heard. Other people don't just listen. They advise, encourage and tell their stories at a time when I'm screaming to be heard. They mean well, for sure, but it just doesn't land. I was able to read this book at a time when it meant a lot to me. It's only been recently I've identified the need to be heard. Now I understand it isn't just me. This is a common reaction to what I'm going through. I do feel there are times when broad brushstrokes are used when it isn't necessarily warranted. The approach to religion in this book is a bit harsh. It isn't necessarily wrong, but as a Christian, I let people vent. I'll tell people it's okay to call a situation garbage when they're in the valley. It's not a popular approach in the religious community, but I want to point out not every Christian is a judgmental person that doesn't listen. I also won't argue I might be a bit rare in that respect. The book isn't just for those in the midst of grief. It also has advice for those who want to support a friend or family member who is grieving. Even if you're reading this as a person grieving, it gives you a place to download the advice if you're having trouble communicating with your support team. I don't think the book will help everyone. The pain you go through after a loved one dies is as unique as the love you have for them. While this book helped me, I'm not sure I would be bold enough to recommend it. The reader would need to be open to having their pain reflected back at them as they read, and facing that can be extremely trying and difficult. For me, it was what I needed to read when I needed it. What I will say is that it's the best thing I've read since the loss occurred.

After my partner lost his father and best friend early in his 20’s, our relationship had never been more rocky. It was hard to balance our relationship and the grief that newly consumed his life. As a problem-solver myself and never having lost someone very close, it was hard to understand his point of view. There was no way I could have helped him as the person I was then. Desperate for a change and to understand him, I picked up this book. It single-handedly saved our relationship. “It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay” changed how I view grief — not as an obstacle to overcome, but as a lifelong event that I needed to get comfortable with witnessing. Once I learned to *not* try to solve anything and how to truly be there for someone and their feelings, I could finally show up for my lover in the way that he needed most. I can empathize with those wanting to help their loved ones; it is genuinely so hard to watch those closest to you suffer and grieve a great loss. Like me, if you find yourself struggling to understand, not knowing how to react to their pain, or constantly wishing that there was something that you can do when there isn’t — there is something you can do: Pick this book up and learn how to sit quietly next to someone and what (not) to say. Only then can you truly be there for them during one of the hardest times in their life. Because we will all suffer a great loss one day, I genuinely believe that everyone should read this book at least once in their life.

I found this book shortly after the unexpected death of my mother and the first "major loss" in my life. I remember hearing time and time again that 'you'll be surprised at who shows up for you in your grief and who doesn't' but I figured I had a pretty good read on the people in my life. Lo and behold I was indeed surprised! In the days after my mom died, I was *shocked* at some of the things that were said to and expected of me by people I thought of as kind and empathetic. I felt extremely alone and also a bit insane that others were pressuring me to feel better and move on mere hours after experiencing the trauma of watching my mom die. This book validated my feelings (including anger!) and made me feel less alone and less crazy. My aunt was struggling with the same loss of her sister and wild things being said to her, so I sent her a copy as well. I've recommended this to others who are struggling with a loss of their own, as well as my friends who want to know, "What does it mean to show up in the face of grief?" I felt a lot of support and love when my friends read this book and we were able to discuss it together. There is an entire section for friends and family on how to support someone going through a loss which I think is extremely needed and helpful. Scrolling through the other reviews for this book, I want to mention a couple of other things. First, the author writes from her perspective of her loss (of her partner) and says she's primarily focusing on out-of-order, unexpected deaths. It seems as though some find this alienating, but it didn't bother me. She also talks about the "Grief Olympics", the hierarchy of grief and writes, "...every loss is valid. And every loss is not the same." This strikes me as inherently true (and perhaps even affirming in the context?) but some have found it off-putting. I think there's a lot to be gained from this book for anyone who is grieving if you can/need to look past that. Second, I saw a few reviews that dismiss the book because of the author's anger which makes me smirk! I didn't find the book to be particularly angry but I also think anger is a pretty healthy and normal reaction to a huge loss in your life?? I have anger around my loss, and again, felt seen and affirmed. Finally, I saw a negative review criticizing the author for her frustration around the (insensitive and unhelpful!) things people say in the wake of grief. This is an experience I too faced so it was helpful for me to hear Devine's perspective and made me feel understood. If you think people are just trying to help and doing their best and you don't think there's room for improvement on how individuals and our culture at large can better respond to grief then you probably don't need this book because you're already being supported! Unfortunately, that's not true for all of us, and if you've been struggling with others' responses to your grief, you might find this book extremely helpful in feeling seen and affirmed.

Good quality!! Great work book for someone who is learning about themselves and how to write!! Thought provoking and great quality!!

Altamente recomendable.

Really nice book needed for a person who is going through a period called grief .

a book not to be missed, which should be translated into all languages, a guide for grief unique in the world.

Very helpful for a friend who lost their partner

Sollte jede:r mal gelesen haben!! Sehr sehr gutes Buch