The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce

It changed my perspective. I have to co-parent with a very high conflict person. I have gone to court several times already. It's good to help keep things into perspective and a way to set appropriate boundaries.

I think this a book well written to appeal to parents that really want the best for their kids, but have problems getting past their own anger and agenda. It's also done in a strong, but not admonishing tone that certainly connected with me. I found the sample eMail exchanges in the book to be frighteningly familiar. It was almost as if someone had eavesdropped into some of my conversations with my kids' mom. It made me realize this is a common problem and also how silly some of that 'exchange' was by seeing someone else do it. I also found that our conflict issues were no where near as bad as they can get in others. At least I felt good that our conflicts were petty and easier to resolve. You also don't have to have both parents read the book - although it would help. I was the only one that read it - actually prior to a co-parenting mediation session - and it really put me into a very constructive frame of mind that focused on our kids rather than 'being right'. It really helped us resolve some conflicts we were having in just a couple sessions. Great book, if nothing else to put the reader in a good place from which to operate in the best interests of the kids.

...and I was an English major, so I've read a lot of books. During our separation, my wife and I were in parent coordination and on a direct course for a custody evaluation and full-blown custody fight. We both were sure that we were "high-conflict," and could barely speak to each other without expressing hostility, contempt and mistrust, even in front of our kids. Despite having our own lawyers and shrinks, a mediator, and a parent coordinator, nobody noticed that our pendente lite parenting plan was horrible with all its transitions. It increased our conflict. Nobody told me stop fighting for more parenting time at the expense of quality parenting time. Nobody stopped the madness to point out that my wife and I actually agreed on a whole lot more than what we disagreed on. Our parent coordinator suggested that we read "Joint Custody with a Jerk." Obviously, she didn't get us. The title alone was a turn-off to both of us. So, in reading the amazon reviews for "Jerk," I found this book. Amazingly, reading it has turned everything around for us. Based on the guidance in this book, I discovered that our acrimony in trying to co-parent was pretty much just the residue of the conflict that ended our marriage (exacerbated by our "support networks"). I realized that we trusted each other in most aspects of parenting (as opposed to being a spouse) and, therefore, could (and should) discuss our infrequent differences in parenting in a respectful, business-like way. Of the four levels of conflict outlined in this book (level 1 being cooperative, level 4 being high-conflict), I was amazed to discover that we were only level 2 with just moments of level 4 from time to time. Level 1 seemed within reach. This book gives you a concise, no-nonsense road map to getting there. Since reading this book and putting its guidance in practice, transitions in parenting-time have gotten better, and my divorce-related stress has decreased. It's tough work not to revert. The theme of this book is that co-parents must extinguish their conflict addiction because it is harmful to your kids, to your relationship with them, and, ultimately, to yourself. The bitter medicine that this book prescribes is that you must communicate with your co-parent *more* than you did before you divorced--more than when you were happily married even. Sounds ridiculous, right? It's not. If you can buy-in to that, you're on your way. If you're a divorced parent, read this book; take the medicine; and figure out a way to talk to your co-parent--a lot. You'll be grateful to the authors, like I am.

Really helping my family in a difficult time.

I purchased this book because it is used as a reference in a course that I teach to separating and divorcing couples. There are many useful ideas on ways to decrease conflict while couples are going through this difficult time, and I would recommend it as a great resource!

It's all very well put together, although as a parent that has been in and still deals with a toxic situation with the other "parent figure" it all comes down to patients and common since with some refreshers from this book and a high intense "Love and Logic Class". I have been able to a lot better today, then even yesterday. Because at the end of the day, the only true control one has is over their self and having and saving a common ground keeps it simple. It's also about learning and maintaining your own boundry and to set boundries and limits. Although, don't live life thru a "text book" version, because that's not always reality, we are humans and all have imperfections and no one is "holy er then thou".

There's plenty of helpful advice on how to avoid conflict and bring the focus away from your conflict (and hurt and all that) back to the children, honestly the biggest victims in divorce. Early chapters center around the conflicts and bring your attention to them to show how bad they have possibly become. From there, the authors show that conflict in relation to the children. Later chapters discuss ways to avoid conflict, prepare for important events, and improve communication (for the sake of the kids). The very end chapters bring attention to the potentially traumatizing effects of new relationships on the children and the devastation of parent alienation. A great book for recently divorced parents if they have the emotional strength to move forward. Also, a great book for recently divorced parents without the emotional strength because it shows the dangers and long term effects that impulsive conflicts can have on the children.

If you are looking for a co-parenting book, then this is a good one. If your divorce is low conflict and you really are not having too much stress and difficulty, then there may be more appropriate books. On the other hand, I don't see any books titled "How to co-parent with the former spouse that you get along pretty good with." So I suppose if there was not conflict, there would not be a reason to write a book. So this book is for lowering the level of conflict, trying to get past the constant court motions and bitter disputes that really only (according to the authors) serve to make life more difficult for the children. So if you are dealing with a high-conflict co-parenting situation, this is probably a good book. If your situation is low-conflict, then you will probably find the book interesting but a little over the top.

I am lukewarm on this book. I think the idea is bang on. Parents need to grow up, and be civil for the kids sake. This book was co-written by two lawyers, and you can sort of tell. It is a bit dull, but the underlying message is so important! Sadly, after buying this book, I realized that my relationship with my former spouse is not ready for co-parenting. We are at a stage where parallel parenting is what is required. That being said, I may still find this book valueable. If you are struggling, buy this book! Your kids deserve the best you can give them, and this book may help you do that.

A short book - lots of key information. Worth a read.