Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

If you ever find yourself wondering what to do for someone who has experienced the death of a child or someone close to them, buy two copies of this book. Give the first copy to the bereaved, and read the other copy to educate yourself on how to comfort your grieving loved one. The cost of the book is a fraction of what it takes to have flowers delivered, and it will do far more good and have a much more lasting impact than any bouquet could offer. Of the many books I have read about grief and loss, this was by far the most helpful. Before I was even halfway finished with this book, I ordered another ten copies to give as gifts. As of this writing, I have four copies left. Writing as someone who facilitates support groups for parents whose children have died and as a bereaved parent, I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone who is grieving or who wants to help someone who is. After the deaths of my two oldest sons at the age of 21, the depth of my grief terrified me. I dared not fully surrender to it, afraid of where it might take me and unsure of whether I could ever return to a functional life afterwards. To me, grief was a feeling I suppressed as much as possible, and something I fought like a tiger when I could not escape its clutches. Dr. Cacciatore helped me (in her words) “to understand that monster [grief] isn’t separate from me.” "Bearing the Unbearable" lays bare the process of grief, making it available for inspection and understanding. And seen in the light of day, I found it to be far less frightening. Some writers are great storytellers and some have a poetic way with words; others are masters of their subject matter. Dr. Cacciatore combined all three talents to produce a book that is loving, informative, unflinching, soothing, honest (sometimes brutally so), and uplifting. Although the book is an easy read and I am a voracious reader, I did not finish it in one sitting. I paused frequently to savor Dr. Jo’s words and let them sink into my heart and soul. I then re-read the book with a highlighter at hand, marking some passages that I believed would be valuable in a support group setting, and other sections that seemed to have been written just for me. Chapters 12 and 18, "Intensity and Coping" and "The Practice of Being With", were inspiring to me as a facilitator. "Early Manifestations of Grief", Chapter 4, is the most heavily highlighted chapter in my copy, and it has proved particularly helpful in group with the newly-bereaved. But Chapter 13, "Contraction and Expansion", truly spoke to my soul. It defined for me in hindsight a process that I have experienced time and again since the deaths of my sons. I came to see that my periods of contraction were not evidence of a failure to cope, but were instead a valuable coping mechanism. As she is well-acquainted with grief in its many forms, Dr. Cacciatore’s thoughtful words serve to make bereavement less terrifying. Her unique understanding of grief makes me certain that I can navigate this journey, and relying on "Bearing the Unbearable" gives me confidence that I can help others do it, too. Dr. Cacciatore - Thank you for this book. Harriet Beecher Stowe could have been describing you when she wrote: “There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed.”

Highly recommend this book. Losing a loved one, especially a child is the worst and this book was helpful to my understanding and healing, if that is even possible.

This is hands down the best book I have read on grief yet.

I gifted this to my best friend after her mother passed away and she really enjoyed the book

This special book is a must read for anyone who has experienced loss (all of us), for helping professionals, and for those supporting the bereaved. Dr. Cacciatore has a remarkable way of writing about death and dying in ways that make the journey bearable. Dr. Jo is an expert on traumatic grief, with her own personal experience as well as years of academically researching the subject. She talks about death and dying in straight forward and elegant language with the net effect of allowing the reader into her world and the worlds of others who have borne the unbearable. In our grief phobic culture, where we are pressured to stay forever young, youthful and even death defying, Dr. Jo reminds us that death is inevitable for us all. We have been led to believe the "natural order of things" (that our children outlive us) is sadly a construction of a death phobic culture. Her experience both personally as a Mother and professionally as an expert in the field of grief and loss is the backdrop for this lovely book, which reads like a poem. This life affirming book about death, dying and loss reminds us how significant the present moment is in our lives, and how our need to control even invades the grief process. The book includes 51 brief chapters that introduce us to important topics regarding grief and loss, and to special people who Dr. Jo has helped in her career as a grief therapist. The book reminds us for the need for self care as a pathway through grief. It reminds those of us who are helping professionals for our own self care as a way to provide effective care for others. It reminds me to listen deeply to my clients who rail and cry over their losses, deeply listen, rather than cut off their stories to share with them whatever "intervention" I believe will help their suffering. In fact, Dr. Jo reminds us that it is the telling of the story of the lost beloved which is perhaps the most healing part of therapeutic treatment - the opportunity to deeply listen, to immerse myself in the suffering of my client with them. We learn in this book that grief cannot be circumvented. We must immerse ourselves in it to fully experience it. Inhabit the grief; listen to the grief; learn from our grief and loss. And perhaps, but without guarantee, we may someday be able to make meaning out of our unbearable losses following kindness, care and attention to ourselves and our grief. In this medicalized culture where we are encouraged to take a pill (or twenty) to shove away our feelings and numb ourselves to the experiences of life (both good and bad) it seems a radical approach. Having personally witnessed the effect that deep listening can provide to a bereaved person, I am convinced that this is the only way. Thank you, Dr. Cacciatore, for this important work. I hand it out to all of my clients, and have given copies to family and friends. I highly recommend it to all who hope to help those who cry for their beloved family members, gone all too soon.

If grief had a language, Joanne Cacciatore speaks it fluently—and writes it like a sacred prayer. Bearing the Unbearable isn’t just a book. It’s a lifeline, a hand reaching out from the darkest depths of loss and whispering, “You are not crazy. You are grieving. And you are not alone.” Joanne is not just an author. She is the grief guru—the only one who truly understands the searing, soul-crushing weight of loss in its most unfiltered, primal form. Her words are not polished with platitudes. They bleed. They ache. They hold space for the kind of pain most people run from. As someone who has lived through the kind of loss that splits your life in two—the before and the after—I can say with certainty: this is the only book that has ever met me where I actually am, not where others think I should be. Joanne doesn’t try to fix you. She doesn’t try to pull you out of the fire. She sits with you inside it, honoring your heartbreak as something sacred. Reading this felt like someone had finally put my grief under a microscope and gently said, “This matters. You matter. Your pain is valid.” Every page is both a balm and a blade. She tells the truth when the world demands we be silent. She gives permission to feel it all—rage, despair, longing, love—without apology. If you are grieving, or love someone who is, Bearing the Unbearable should be in your hands. It’s not a cure. It’s not a solution. It’s something far more rare: the truth. Joanne Cacciatore has given the grieving world a gift we didn’t even know we needed—language for the unspeakable.

I finished this book today after losing my wife of 46 years in November, it had greatly helped me to understand my grief much better and to channel it in my body I highly recommend this book if you have dealt with grief from losing someone or something you love deeply I will probably read it again dealing with the death of a spouse it’s devastating you feel half your soul is gone this read had help me immensely thank you Joanna

Hands down, the best book on grief. I've read it cover to cover and I'm starting over again. (It's also one of those that you can read any of its many short chapters in any order.) Like so many have mentioned, Dr. Cacciatore writes with heartfelt candor. Because her grief is centered on losing her daughter and I was desperate for help related to *my* specific circumstance (impossible, I know), I was relieved to discover her depth of feeling and understanding of the universality of grief. She speaks with clarity to that truth. Every case study is filled with wisdom that touches my own grief. She speaks with utmost respect about her daughter as well as those people she has helped in her work. I'm so grateful that there is no exploitation whatsoever, no formulas--she acknowledges how unique we are and so of course, we each process grief differently. After my husband passed in January, I was in shock--even though he'd had many medical interventions since I'd known him. As much as I thought I would be prepared, or anticipated what it would be like..... none of my imaginings or thoughts could possibly bring me close to the actuality. We were extremely close. For years, we were together for years nearly 24/7 since we worked together at home. I've never known such a love. I have a long way to go, but I don't feel rushed. I understand fully that the most important and nourishing aspect is to acknowledge and feel this depth of grief that, I now trust, will change to form the bedrock of my continuing love and connection to the love of my life. This book -- truly a Grief Bible -- is the only book that I could pick up in those first traumatic weeks and find comfort. The quotes heading each short chapter are perfect. I have purchased extra copies to give to friends. I wish I had read it before my husband passed. But I'm so grateful now to have found it. Thank you Dr. Cacciatore for acknowledging our humanity is intricately tied to knowing grief. And from that, individually, we become more human. I miss my husband terribly. And still find it difficult to accept he's gone. I cry every day at least twice a day. I am deeply grateful that I am learning how to honor his memory in some way every day. Thank you Dr. Cacciatore.

It actually saved me and completely transformed the way I view grief. Recommended for anyone who has lost someone, especially a child.

Excelente livro, que aborda a temática do luto de forma belíssima, acolhedora e cuidadosa! Amei

Das Buch kam leider beschädigt an. Inhaltlich kann ich noch nichts dazu sagen.

I recently started reading Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Dr Joanne Cacciatore. Joanne is a berieved parent herself and also has a PHD in grief counseling. What I have found in reading this book is that it validates every single emotion that I have felt since we lost our daughter, the book is written simply and in a language that every person who is grieving over the loss of a loved on can understand. The book has made me realise that love and grief go together and that hopefully/eventually my love for my daughter and my grief over losing her will sit side by side in my heart. Joanne has also shown me that my life is now like a jigsaw puzzle that will always have a piece missing, but that jigsaw is still a beautiful picture. I will always carry grief in my heart for the rest of my days but, like the jigsaw with the missing piece, that piece will live on in my heart making the jigsaw complete, - my life complete although different. That grief will sit beside the love that I have for my daughter and that the love and therefore the memories will never leave me. This has given me the courage to carry on. The book has also validated that I have become a different person and that is OK despite what our society tells us and expect from us who grieve. I would recommend this book as one of the best to help any one who is walking down the road of grief. I have read a lot of books about grief and love and this is by far the best that I have read, it should be the benchmark for every grief counselor! Thank you Joanne, you have helped me more than you can ever imagine and given me a wonderful gift. Phillip Spencer JP

il miglior libro sul lutto che abbia mai letto. Mi ha aiutato tantissimo, mi sono sentita completamente compresa, ho avuto la netta percezione che la profondità del mio dolore fosse legittimata. Solo così si può iniziare a stare bene. Questo non è un libro per chi no ha la forza di attraversare e guardare in faccia la propria disperazione. Ti aiuta ad accettarla, ma contemporaneamente ti da la chiave per iniziare a vedere la luce. Vorrei poter ringraziare l'autrice di persona, mi ha davvero preso per mano, accompagnandomi fuori dal tunnel della disperazione. Lo ha fatto, facendomi accettare la devastazione che sentivo e in un secondo momento regalandomi la forza di riaprirmi al mondo. Non è un libro per chi vuole la ricetta per mettere il lutto sotto al tappeto, ma per chi vuole trasformare questa tremenda esperienza, in un'opportunità per diventare piu consapevole e grato.