Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing

Regarding: 'Divorce Poison” Divorcing parents, PLEASE, get this book, and every other one you can find on the subject of "Parental Alienation Syndrome", referred to as PAS, and read them thoroughly. Even if you are only at the 'considering divorce' stage, it is not too early for this information, and have your divorce attorney read it too, if they're not already familiar with it. 'Divorce Poison' is very real, only recently recognized as a big problem by the mental health community, can happen in the best of families, and could potentially tear apart once close parent-child relationships, causing unnecessary pain and suffering for you and especially for your beloved child or children. All it takes for this poison to spread is one bitter, selfish, jealous or insensitive ex-spouse, step-parent or even grandparent, (or they could all band together) to basically brainwash your poor unprotected child against YOU, even if you were the most loving, attentive parent you could be. I was that loving, attentive parent (I have the pictures and witnesses to prove it), but it still happened to me anyway. We're not talking about one parent who was abusive or somehow at fault, who lost custody of the child, and then is run-down by the custodial parent, which, for the child's sake, isn't a very good idea in itself. These are cases of average to good parents who are routinely and systematically denigrated in their child's eyes by an ex-spouse through not-so-subtle innuendo, false accusations, and downright lies, all in an effort to gain retribution and punish that other parent, regardless of the amount of harm it does to the child. It is selfish, destructive and inexcusable parental behavior, and it is going on all over this country, right now. I'll use my story as an example to illustrate. I divorced my husband when my son was three. I left him because of irreconcilable differences and his unwillingness to do anything to improve our relationship. I was expected to do all the childcare of our baby, all the housework, plus I worked from home full-time. He worked full-time from home too, and took out the trash. He made it very clear that any housework he did was because I was falling down on the job and he was doing me a favor. For months and months I begged him to go to a marriage counselor with me, but he refused to budge an inch. I finally went on my own. I told him over and over of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction in our "shotgun" marriage, when I had only just turned 19, and asked for his participation and help. I found out years later that he had gotten me pregnant deliberately by tampering with my birth control, so I would have to leave college and marry him, which I unfortunately did, as I considered an abortion out of the question at the time, even though my family begged me to. I really thought I was doing the right thing. Ah, the idealism of youth. Turns out it was almost all a mistake; him, leaving college, getting married. But not the baby; he was the love of my life. Eventually my ex remarried, and I thought it was finally all behind me. I got on with raising my son the best way I could, and with all the love, affection and firm guidance one child could ever need. School year with me, summers with his father and his wife. Everything was fairly smooth for years, until his wife started complaining about having to pay me court-ordered child support, since she wrote all the checks herself. They actually offered to give me a “bag of groceries” every month instead, but I flatly refused. I did actually allow them to reduce the amount somewhat, but obviously that wasn't good enough. I didn't want my son to know that his own father had actually offered that little help toward his care. After that, things slowly started to change. When he was 11, and after my son had begged me for a solid year, became surly and angry at times, when he had never done that before, and I had done my best to reason with him, I finally allowed him to chose to switch the times of the year he spent with each parent. I thought that if I didn't, he was becoming so angry that our relationship might be permanently damaged. Little did I know that I was going to lose him anyway. He wanted to go because "it was time to get to know my father," as he put it (who had he been living with every summer until then, Santa Claus?), a decision that was absolutely excruciating for me at the time, but I now realize it was a horrible mistake too, and that he had been heavily coached by his father for the previous year, all about how I was deliberately keeping them apart, etc. What ordinary person would think that a father who seemed to really love his son would, or allow his new wife to, mentally abuse his own son? And they have the audacity to criticize and slander me when I took great care of him and have never done anything intentionally to hurt my boy, and my only “crime” was to split up with his father years ago? I now know that it was so painful for me to let him go because it was a very big mistake. You'll see why if you read on. I had been aware that my ex, his new wife, and his immediate family were verbally bashing me, because initially they had him personally deliver nasty verbal "messages" and accusations from them to me--his own mother. I told him NOT to listen to the nastiness, corrected their lies for him, and did my best to ignore the venom. Finally, when he turned 14, I told him to not keep delivering them to me because they were just trying to poison me through him, and that if they knew they weren't getting through to me, they would eventually stop. Sounds reasonable, huh? But naive it turns out. My son was quite intelligent and reasonable for his age, and I thought he was old enough to understand the concept and be able to separate fact from fiction, since he knew what I was really like anyway. And it was primarily fiction, since I hadn't seen or been allowed by his wife to talk to his father for many years, and have never even met her, so what did they really know about the person I'd become over the years? Next to nothing; they just thought up the worst kinds of accusations and ways of interpreting my actions they could think of to tell my boy. I thought that handling it this way would stop all the nasty "discussions" about me. This is what psychologists at the time thought would happen too, according to this book. Obviously it didn't, and the onslaught did start to sink in and take root in his mind. She always answered the phone when I'd call and then she'd listen in to our private long-distance calls from nearby, and he always felt inhibited talking to me. I couldn't even talk to him normally anymore. They even told him that my family all wanted me to have an abortion with him, which is true, but was it right or good for him to ever learn that, or did it just benefit his father? Consequently, my son would not even invite any of my family to his first wedding (I got to go, but was treated appallingly) or worse yet, visit my mother to say goodbye when she was dying of cancer four years ago, saying only that "I've never really felt very close to her." Have I painted a picture for you of the insidious, systematic butchering of a loving mother-son relationship yet? I didn't even tell you everything; just a taste. He was also apparently relaying "intelligence" about me to them, I presume in a bid to win approval from them and stop their verbal and mental abuse of him. Sounds like some kind of terrible spy movie, I know. Sick people! This book also talks about the alienating parent enlisting the child to spy on the other parent for them. The child may see it as a way of gaining closeness with the alienating parent (AP) , by siding with the aggressors. I have only very recently found out the great extent to which it has damaged my formerly very close and loving relationship with my own son and his opinion of me, as well as his general sense of self-esteem, peace of mind, and ability to form healthy relationships with others. How could I not know all this was happening at the time and what it was going to do to us, you ask? I asked myself the same question at first, through a lot of tears, of course, until I read all about it. This book, and others like it, have helped me sort a lot of it out, but obviously it's best that you read it now, before or at the beginning of a breakup, to help prevent the possibility of this happening in the first place or hopefully nip it in the bud early on. First of all, I lived far away in another part of the country, but brought him out to visit me each and every summer until he was 18, and second, he quite obviously didn't tell me everything that happened to him at the time, and downplayed or defended the things I did hear about. They talk about that in this book too--what you may or may not be told about the whole situation. The child may not tell you about their experiences with your ex at all, only tell you bits and pieces, tell you everything's O.K., or may have even been coached about "what to tell Mommy" if she asks. After all, did you tell your parents everything that happened to you when you were a kid? I didn't either. Especially things that you thought would upset them, make trouble for you or make you feel like you were betraying the other parent by getting them in trouble. Many of the things I've shared with you I didn't find out or figure out until many years after the fact. Another factor was that my son also carefully led me to believe all this time that things were fine between us, just like before. I was a lie. I've recently moved to his area, and he can no longer hide his inner turmoil, feelings and negative opinions about me any longer. He's yelled them straight out at me many times, or directly in my ear over the phone, and when he's not yelling or angry, I can see it in his face. He's irrationally suspicious and distrustful of me, and anything I've told him to set him straight, he goes to his father or someone else related to him, who naturally denies or refutes it, and my son always believes them no matter what it is, no matter how much evidence to the contrary. It's gotten so bad that I can't even be around him or talk with my own son on the phone anymore and actually feel threatened by his presence. I don't know if he'd ever hit me, but I'm scared of him and don't want to find out. They've spent years filling his head with venom toward me, to the point that he doesn't even trust or seem to like me anymore, and from his present angry and aggressive behavior, I now suspect that he was verbally and emotionally abused by both of them too. He's in anger management therapy now, finally. The only real justice that can come from about this whole situation is when, hopefully, the child comes to realize what the alienating parent or family has done to them, and it completely backfires on them. The child is then furious with them, and for very valid reasons this time. The problem for the child then becomes that they are left with the pain of knowing all of this and still only has one parent, since it's unlikely they will want to have much to do with the alienator/s again. I have to keep in touch with my son through cards and letters now, but he won't return my letters, even send me a card on holidays. I never wanted him to feel these terrible things, let alone about his own Mom. We were always so loving together. I never dreamed this could happen to us, and am shocked and dismayed by his behavior and attitude, and can only hope that he doesn't ever decide to have his own children while he's in this state. I probably wouldn't get to see them anyway. I pray for help and strength everyday, and am going to start with a new counselor in a few weeks. I WISH to GOD that this book and the concept of "Parental Alienation Syndrome" had been around at the time I let him go all those years ago, because I definitely would NOT have. At that time I could never have imagined in my worst nightmares that things would turn out as they have. As they state in this book, there is always cause for hope that your child will eventually be able to somehow shake this brainwashing, because that's really what it is, brainwashing of children! Ironically, that's initially how I found out about PAS; I was looking up books on brainwashing, because that's just what this whole situation felt like to me, since the slander he seemed to be believing sure wasn't based on truth! With luck, your child can still come back to reality, at any age, and then you can mend your broken relationship, together. There are also books out there for adults who were treated as my son was when they were young, alienated from one of their parents by the other, to help them deal with their deep and painful issues. There are now therapists who are coming on board in new methods of recognizing PAS, treatment of victims, and counseling for families in the grip of this condition, but you may have to do a bit of searching to find one up to speed. This book is a very good place to start though, but a word of warning: this book can be quite an upsetting and life-altering revelation if you are or think you might be experiencing PAS in your life. It was for me, but worth it to be standing in truth now. I will never give up on him or on us, no matter what. For heaven's sake, it's for the sake of our children!

As a targeted mother of four married to a man who has lost two sets of children to PAS I can only say that I wish I had this book available to me 10 years ago when I kicked my verbally abusive exhusband out for beating me bloody and choking me nearly unconscious. If I had only known of the signs to look for and how to more effectively counter-act this insidious form of court-sanctioned child abuse my family might have not been so tragically destroyed. [...] Though very late, this book still helped me as my husband's second set of children did finally reach out to him and I've managed to maintain some shred of contact with my younger three daughters. The road back has been slow but we have hope. As long as we have hope we have everything. The book also reinforced that we did the right thing when we had finally let his oldest children go. It became clear recently that they have grown into toxic human beings as they viciously and without provocation stalked and then attacked me via the internet because I published an article about my husband (their biological father) singing the praises that he had earned. He stuck with me through my nightmarish custody hell, never waivering for a moment. These women and their family sent me nasty emails actually making fun of me for losing custody of my own children, telling me to "drop the woe is me act" and "just accept the fact that I lost custody of my children because I married their biological father", who according to them "was a man who wasn't fit to have children around him". I was mortified and stunned. These women had no clue about their father's life as they had no real contact with him since they were little girls (they now have children of their own). Nor did they know that I'd been embroiled in then 6 year long custody dispute where my children were finally taken from me due to PAS months before I'd even met my husband. What kind of people would do such a thing? The long term effects of PAS made abundantly clear to us both at the juncture. So we both said, "Good-bye" to those women, wished them well and asked them to never contact us again. This book helped me gain insight into our children's behavior and gave what seemed to be very sound guidance as to what we should do and also exactly what we shouldn't do if we have any chance of regaining a relationship with our younger six children (who are now between the ages of 14 and 18). I have and will continue to recommend this book and Dr Warshak's DVD "Welcome Back Pluto." I've not yet sent copies to our children but watching it helped me and my husband regain a sense that MAYBE we can "do something"... something effective, as opposed to squandering more millions on attorneys and "experts" that did not help our children's situation one iota. I am also very interested in the program that he mentions in the end of the book which is designed specifically to reunite children with their estranged parents. If nothing else this book will give parents like me and my husband insight, clarity, hope and a way to effectively deal with our constant grief in a positive manner. I had already employed many of the tactics of my own accord but it felt good to have a reputable and sound source support what I'd already figured out for myself the hard way. It also felt comforting to know that I'd exhausted or at the very least attempted every avenue the book cites for ways to try and recapture custody and/or a "real" relationship with our kids. I have the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I didn't fail because I gave up. I already knew I did everything I could but the reinforcement gave added comfort. I didn't give up and never will. But I am comfortable saying that I am not wasting anymore time and money spinning my wheels in desperation. I highlighted and made personal notes throughout the book. One day when I feel the time is right I will send the book to whichever one of my daughters I feel it would help the most. I hope that it will be a catalyast to have her lead her and her sisters back home. I feel this is yet another way to try to reach out that I'd not had before I bought and read the book. I hope that all the parents and children out there who have had this nightmare thrust upon them will someday get "their happy ending" (or should I say happy beginning!?). At the very least I hope they find a way to gain closure as we did with my husband's adult children. It was very sad when we decided to "lay them to rest" but it felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted once we let that first handful of dirt onto their caskets (metaphorically, of course). We wished them long, happy and productive lives that are filled with many blessings and the strength to weather the storm. Peace

IMPERDIVEL. Recomendo fortemente!

*Divorce Poison* - in englischer Sprache - ist ein absolutes Muss fuer alle Eltern, die nach einer Trennung ploetzlich von ihren Kindern abgelehnt und/oder mit Verachtung behandelt werden. Dr Richard Warshak beschreibt, wie man "Parental Alienation", die Entfremdung eines Kindes durch den anderen Elternteil, erkennt und gibt praktische Tips, wie man sich und seine Kinder davor schuetzen kann. Er erklaert, wie man mit Kindern umgeht, die sich eventuell schon seit Jahren weigern, einen Elternteil zu sehen. Dabei handelt es sich um Kinder ALLER Alterstufen, von kleinen Kindern ueber Jugendliche bis zu Erwachsenen, die nicht mehr mit dem Vater oder der Mutter sprechen, weil der jeweils andere Elternteil eine entweder offensichtliche oder unterschwellige Hasskampagne betreibt. *Divorce Poison* gibt hilfreiche Ratschlaege fuer beide Seiten im Elternkonflikt, sowie fuer andere Familienangehoerige der entfremdeten Kinder und den weiteren Freundeskreis. Zusaetzlich beinhaltet das Buch wichtige Empfehlungen fuer Richter, Anwaelte, Gerichtspsychologen und Therapeuten. Es ist deshalb sowohl fuer den persoenlichen, als auch fuer den professionellen Gebrauch waermstens zu empfehlen. Die wichtigste Botschaft des Buches an Eltern von entfremdeten Kindern ist, niemals aufzugeben. Dieses Buch gibt Hoffnung und Bestaetigung, wenn die Welt einer Mutter oder eines Vaters auseinander zu fallen scheint.

Facile à aborder même avec un moyen en anglais. En-deçà des problèmes majeurs de prévention et de lutte contre l'aliénation parentale abordés, ce livre permet à tout parent dans la tourmente de la séparation d'éviter les nombreuses erreurs généralement commises par nos actions ou paroles qui peuvent affecter l'équilibre - soit le bon développement psychologique de nos enfants. Comment maintenir une bonne relation avec l'enfant ? en être respecté et ne pas entrer dans le piège du conflit généré par l'autre parent ? "Piège" car il ne conduit qu'à la destruction de notre propre relation avec nos enfants sans que nous en ayions conscience. Gardons à l'esprit que prévenir et rester hors du conflit est une chose éminemment nécessaire pour la construction de leur identité: estime et confiance en eux ! Etre juste et être un modèle de sagesse dans le conflit.

This book is beneficial for both mothers and fathers dealing with divorces where there may be antagonism and high emotions. Many parents might not even be aware of what they are doing to their kids and their ex as they are caught up in their own suffering and venting or what have you during a rocky separation/divorce. This book can also help you make sure you don't fall prey to retaliation to divorce poison either, and handle the situation more constructively. Whether you suspect that divorce poison may just be starting or have a full blown case and have been estranged from your children for some time, this book can help you. It may be particularly useful for parents who refuse to play the kind of dirty pool their ex is playing with the children, but end up suffering the loss or diminishing of a relationship with their children as a result of taking the high ground. The sad irony with divorce poison is that it is the parent who tries to take the high ground and not turn the kids against their ex who suffers the most. The good news in this book is that you do not have to fight fire with fire -- there is a way out of the labyrinth of smoke and mirrors that your ex may have set up for your kids -- and you can find reasonable ways to help your kids reconnect with you, no matter how estranged they seem. I have used several of the techniques and advice in this book and it has resulted in an improvement in my own relationship with my daughters, whose respect and care for me their father has been eroding for years, to the point of serious issues and fractured relationships. Within a short amount of time of reading the book and employing the various techniques and suggestions I have seen distinct and very positive results. Unlike an earlier review stated, the advice of this book is not just that you need therapists and high priced lawyers. It is helpful regardless of your budget and means to seek help. If you feel your relationship with your kids is in a downward spiral that you did not cause, then you need this book. It is so helpful in getting past getting caught up in the emotional drama such that you can take a more measured and guided approach that will allow you to have more perspective and step up your game in a way that will likely be far more successful. In a nutshell, I would recommend Divorce Poison to anyone with kids who is going through an antagonistic divorce. This book can be a life saver for those willing to do the work. While many think that this is an issue that fathers deal with, as a mother I can say that divorce poison is something I suffered from for years, and I only wish I found this book sooner. In fact, much of the advice and many techniques in this book would also be beneficial pre-divorce, for people stuck in a toxic relationship where their spouse is effectively undermining them to their kids. For ladies out there trying to separate from men whose personalities may fall under the narcissistic or (even slightly) psychopathic/Machiavellian umbrella, to the point of engaging your children in their will to dominate or negate you, then you really need to read this book to start taking the steps needed to help you and your children get free and clear of that kind of brainwashing, programming and mental/emotional abuse.

A must read book for all those thinking of Divorce or undergoing Divorce proceedings especially with Children involved. I am sure this book will find a necessary place in all Divorce Lawyers' and Family Court libraries, not to mention of Mental health professionals' dealing with children from broken/ dysfunctional homes. As a father going through the Divorce process I am very grateful to Dr Richard Warshak for giving voice to my concerns putting forth and explaining so lucidly and rationally the key concept of Parental Alienation, its various ways and effects, overlooked by the stake holders in the Divorce process to the tragic detriment of our Children.