Getting to the Other Side of Grief

My husband had only been gone for a handful of days when I ordered this book. I read all the reviews here and thought that the "religious" aspect would somehow be acceptable, perhaps very helpful. I was stopped dead in my tracks when I read the following:"At its very nature death is demonic, and you cannot explain the demonic. Death happens. It is not really God's fault, nor yours, nor that of your spouse. Death is the devil's calling card."Are you kidding me? I lost my husband! He died! In the context of searching for spiritual understanding, the idea that the devil is responsible for my beloved husband's death is absurd. Even if the practical, therapy half of this book might be helpful...it is made null and void in my mind by allowing such utterly nonsensical and antiquated thinking to prevail.I quote further:"Lazarus will come storming from the tomb. Death can't hold him back with the power of Christ on his side. Jesus is weeping because sin has broken this world, and death is a symbol of that brokenness. Even though he has the power to fix it, Jesus grieves."Am I to believe that my husband's death is punishment for "original sin"? The message here is that we, "man", are the cause of the curse of death, through sin we have brought death upon ourselves and only at the second coming of the Messiah will we be "resurrected".If these ideas bring comfort to those who grieve the loss of a spouse, then this is a good book to read. I write this only as a warning to those who might have different "religious", spiritual or "Christian" beliefs, or those who may be seeking spiritual guidance. The opinions set down in this book can be very discomforting and offensive.7 Year Update:I was amazed to discover so many comments on my original post above (which was made 7 years ago). I thought I had better add some thoughts. I'm sorry I did not respond previously, as I did not see this feature until now.For those who may be reading this post and newly widowed, I offer this...You are not alone, many have gone before you and when you are in your darkest hour, know that it will get better. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no better or worse kind of loss. Grief is not linear, it does not come in stages, it moves in and it moves out, like the ocean and the tides. You can experience small moments of joy amidst great depths of pain. Try to ask for help, even when you don't feel like you can speak up for yourself...try, it makes the road less lonely.You have most likely come here to look for a helpful book on grief and you have most likely been attracted to this book because of the title and the high rating. But I'm afraid I must stand by my original review. If you are not already accepting of religious (as in organized conservative Christian, heaven and hell and the devil and original sin) doctrines, if you are not seeking biblical explanations for your sorrow, for death and the meaning of 'it all', you may be hurt, shocked or offended by the contents of this book.After my husband's death I heard a thousand religious platitudes, presumptuous comments, empty assumptions: "He's in a better place". "He would want you to move on". One close friend offered "I prayed for you". While not once paying me a visit in the years following the funeral. Lots of prayers but no casseroles. A casserole may seem like a terrible cliché, but I for one would have welcomed it. Being told that communing with 'god' is your way of helping me...well, that's not a part of my beliefs and it was no help to me at all. Having my husband's death explained with parroted and poorly thought out anecdotes was never helpful either.Here's how you CAN help a grieving widow/widower: Show up. Rather than saying "Let me know if there's anything I can do". Just show up and jump in. Sit with him or her, be present, put on a pot of coffee, pull out the cream and sugar (or cold beer or whatever) and just be there. That is a great gift. Also, helping with chores can ease a lot of stress, a sink full of dishes or other seemingly simple problems may be daunting to the newly bereaved. And listen, just lend an ear. I needed so badly to talk. It's not an easy job...people who are grieving are suffering on all levels including physically. They may be unable to do what you think are very simple things, like open the mail. And they are most likely unable to ask for help because they may not know what it is they need. Everyday things can be confusing, a phone ringing ...'who is it, what do they want, I can't talk to anyone right now'. And above all don't be afraid to talk about their lost loved one. I can tell you, I LOVED talking about my husband. Don't be afraid that the grieving person will start crying or that YOU will start crying...so what if the water works come? Big deal. Don't TELL someone who is grieving what they OUGHT to be feeling. Hear with your heart, not with your logical mind.As for books I DO recommend: Believe it or not, the first one on my list is a little (Christian based) book given to me by one of our hospice people. Mending the Heart by John Claypool. It is gentle, thoughtful and very comforting. Another (Christian based) book which is excellent is A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. I do not know how he was able to so eloquently capture his own grieving experience, while it was happening. Then, a good and very practical book, which can especially help those who are very newly widowed, is I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can.I want to thank everyone who commented, favorably and not so favorably. I wish you well on your path and do not wish the pain of losing a spouse or partner on anyone, though most will someday face it.

I write this review today as I am purchasing this book for an acquaintance that has lost her spouse. This book was given as a gift to me when I was widowed at the age of 27 after losing my husband in an accident, and being left to raise our infant daughter on my own. I have read many books on grieving and recovering from the loss of a spouse and this was by far the most helpful to me. I opened it up about a week after my husband's death, read the introduction and found it was just too much- I recoiled at the notion there could ever be happiness again much less a full life and the mere thought of another marriage made my physically ill. Another few weeks went by and I picked it up again, drawn to the idea that there could be an "other side" to such pain and misery, and wanting desperately to stop hurting. This became my go- to book. I would read as much as I could process at the time and would then put it away, only to return to it when I was ready to continue the journey. I read this book many times, the last time after I became engaged to be married again. It was hard but I found that other side of grief, where you can continue to love and cherish the time and memories of the person you lost, and yet go on to live a full life again. I am now happily married and have been blessed with more children. I have purchased many copies of this book and have given them out as the unfortunate occasion arises. I have had deep friendships forged with fellow widows because I reached out with this book and have witnessed some stories similar to my own unfold. I buy this again today with the hope and prayer that another widow would be successful in getting to the other side of grief.

I’m still reading, however this book has gotten me through the worst part of grieving. This one line opened my eyes ….. “In a marriage someone will die before the other”. An excellent read that I bring along with me for strength. My therapist highly recommends it. RIH My FOREVER LOVE, John T. Berrie

If the Christian scripture approach does not fit with your views on God and religion (it does not mine), don't let that discourage you from buying this book. The psychologist portions alone are excellent. I am not yet on "the other side" of grief, but I'm starting to see glimmers of what the other side will be like. I'm cautiously optimistic, and this book reinforces that optimism. The psychologist's entries give a wonderful, hopeful view of what's possible in starting anew. It helps assuage any lingering guilt you may feel about starting over. A central concept within is that to get to the other side, you must face your grieving head-on and not simply expect time to do the job for you. The book offers prompts for writing exercises that will help you to face and resolve issues in your grieving. It's hard to find the time to write, especially if you've still got children at home, but whatever you can do will help. Here's a motivating quote from the book: "Do not waste your life on what might have been. Deal with the grief. Deal with it now so you can get on with your life." In the early weeks, I wasn't ready to "get on"; instead, I was "holding on." That's normal, as is the change I'm now feeling towards moving on. Grief is strange, and different books and approaches help at different times. When you are ready to think about moving forward to the next chapter in your life, this book will give you the encouragement you need as well as guidance to help you to the other side.

Having been given a few books by friends after the death of my husband, I searched and found this one. I love the way it has been written by two authors, one male and one female, one a Pastor and the other a Psychologist, both suffered the loss of their spouse at a relatively young age.It's easy to read, split into chapters and then sub-divided into their own headings so you can choose to see it from a religious and/or psychological way, and also from a male and female prospective.I found it a refreshing, modern read. Straightforward and honest which is exactly what I wanted...to find someone else who had been through and experienced what I was going through.It is still early days for me, but I keep the book near me. I may not look at it for a month or so but I know it's there when I need it. I would recommend it to anyone who is facing a life without their spouse/partner and struggling to come to terms with it.

Very sensitive portrayals of the extremely difficult journeys taken to enable overcoming grief

I've read this book and I wish that I'd of had it sooner. It had lots of advice for all ages in the grieving process. I bought the kindle for myself and the book for a friend that was grieving. Although I was in grief for three years and in my own little world. I never wanted to come out to the public again as I was alone with my grief but after reading this well written book on how to get yourself back into the world, I now am fine and doing things with people once again. I thank Susan for getting my life back.

Excellent book..even though no one book will get you to the other side without going through the pain it truly helps to know that your not loosing your mind in the pain. Time does not make things better..it only allows for a change in thought and allows the person to find the reason to continue on.

Amazing and helpful no matter your spiritual base